Page 81 of Illicit Illustration

Reid’s tired voice carried through the door, and he sounded about as defeated as I felt.

“Well, I’m not gonna say I’ve never thought about fucking Charley, but she’s kind of disgustingly in love with my brother. So, I’m going to pass,” I responded—trying not to immediately turn and run in the other direction screaming—as the door crept open. “But I might take you up on the ass kicking part.”

A shirtless Reid was standing in the doorway wearing a pair of low-slung plaid pajama pants. His hair was wet, so he’d clearly been in the shower, but I was here to get answers, not ogle him. Even if he was disgustingly attractive while I was out here fidgeting in the hallway with a hole in the side of my dress, tear tracks on my cheeks, and my once sleek ponytail chaotically styled from the wind outside as I’d run across the parking lot.

“Why are you here?” he asked. Not exactly the romantic declaration that had flashed through my mind in the five minutes I’d been standing in the hallway. Clearly, we were going with option two, him not wanting to see me. “Howare you here?”

“You think you’re the only one with keys and alarm codes?” Charley had left me to wash my face while she’d gone in search of Hudson’s spare keys to Reid’s shop. She pressed them into my hand with a sticky note that had the code for his alarm system and practically pushed me out the back door. “The real question is, why aren’t you over there?”

“Because I realized no one wanted me over there. It was easier to come back home and keep myself from making it worse. Not that I could imagine much worse than knowing you want nothing to do with me.”

“Sucks, doesn’t it?” I laughed humorlessly, and he tilted his head to the side as he stared at me.

Finally, he sighed, looking away while he scrubbed a palm over his beard. It was a nervous tell I’d noticed he had months ago. At least it was confirmation he wasn’t totally unfazed by my presence. “Just go, Haz. We both know you don’t want to be here. As soon as you found out it was me, you couldn’t get far enough away.”

“Well, it’s a little upsetting to find out that the guy you’ve been falling for was lying to your face. And your phone. For weeks. Andthat he apparently thought it was a joke. Because not only did he have your number, but he had the numbers of every single girl in the room.”

He shook his head, still not looking at me.

Fight for me, God dammit.I wanted to yell, but it was like he couldn’t follow his own advice. He wasn’t even trying to be brave. He was throwing in the towel. And the sadness I’d felt before just seemed to multiply.

“No. He didn’t. Because he threw away every number but yours.”

As his cautious gaze lifted to mine, I tried to fight the urge to look away. “You expect me to believe that? You saw some of them. I’m not even in the same league as them.”

He nodded, standing straighter and crossing his arms. “You’re right. You’re not.”

What the actual fuck?“Fuck you—”

But he shook his head, raising his voice over mine. “They’ve all got nothing on you, trust me. I had to suffer through dates with them when all I could think about was you.”

“But you shouldn’t have even known itwasme. The whole point was to text with someone you’d never seen. Because then you’d get to know each other without the distraction of physical attraction clouding your judgement.” Shaking my head, I tried to fight off the hurt that was still underlying all the other conflicting emotions I felt. “But you knew who you were texting. I was just the idiot who was out of the loop. The sucker who fell for your,follow your heart, bullshit.”

He opened his mouth to speak, but I held my hand up, deciding to just ask him what I’d come here to ask. “I know I’m not as experienced as you,clearly. But I meant every word I said and texted you over the last two weeks. And now I just feel like the punchline of a joke. Did it actually mean anything to you?”

My voice cracked, but I managed to keep the tears at bay. He didn’t deserve to see me cry.

“Haz, what the fuck? Of course, it meant something. It meanteverything. I felt like the last two weeks had madeeverything in my life fall into clarity. That I’d been so listless for the past few years, and all I needed to anchor me was you.”

His words made my heart skip a beat. But anchors didn’t just hold people in place to keep them from drifting away, they could weigh people down.

“You could’ve told me sooner. Based upon the way you were going back and forth bantering about Seven and Ten like it was an inside joke, my best friend also knew what you were doing for over a week. And you two purposely kept it from me. You could have told me that day and I would have been embarrassed as hell, but at least I wouldn’t feel like I do right now.”

He sighed, leaning against the door frame with his shoulder. Part of me didn’t want to have this conversation standing in a doorway, but I’d never been inside his apartment before, and call me crazy, but the first time I was, I wanted to be invited, not because I forced myself on him.

“Why couldn’t you have just opened your fucking mouth and told me? Said ‘Hey, Haz. By the way, your sneaky best friend conned me into participating in her blind dating event. And she fed me information, so I’d know exactly how to charm you into believing I have genuine feelings for you. And then you’ll fall for a lie.’”

As soon as the words tumbled out of my mouth, his body tensed, and he shook his head with his jaw clenched. “My feelings for you are not a lie!”

I was a little startled at his raised voice, but if he wanted to shout, I could shout back. “Then why didn’t you just open your mouth and say something?”

“Because I wanted you to wantme,not him.”

“Do you realize how fucking stupid that sounds? Youarehim,” I hissed. I understood his words, but they made absolutely no sense.

“And being in love with you has made me epically fucking stupid,” he said, his voice lowering. “I was also terrified that you didn’t feel the same way. That I had gotten myself in so deepwith you that when you inevitably found out what I’d done, you wouldn’t want anything to do with me.”

“Yet here I am, fucking chasing you because no matter how hurt I am, and how stupid I feel, the thought of never finding out why you thought you needed to do this was unbearable.” I hid from a lot of things in my life, but if I hid from this, the unanswered questions would eat me alive.

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