Page 56 of Illicit Illustration

“No, Haz. I admire the fuck out of your work ethic. You’re doing exactly what you should be doing. This is why I offered to help you, because I could see how much you want this.”

“I do,” she whispered. “But I…” There was that damn lip quiver again and my heart broke at the thought I caused this. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate your help, but I’m taking up a lot of your time, and I know things have gotten a bit complicated the more time we spend together.”

“Nothing we have done is complicated, Haz. And don’t you, for one fucking second, think that I am not exactly where I want to be when I spend time withyou—”

She sniffed again, wiping at her cheek. My throat felt tight as a tear slipped free. Balling my hands into my lap, I resisted reaching out to haul her into my lap and kiss away those tears. When Charley had begged me to be bachelor number Seven, I never expected things between us getting this twisted up.

“But I can’t spend more time with you,” she whispered, her voice cracking. “It’s too hard. And I might be falling for the guy from the experiment, and I can’t risk that for someone I know will break my heart when he gets bored with me.”

Talk about a fucking knee to the balls. She didn’t even hesitate to confess she thought I’d break her heart. Not that she was afraid of me hurting her—which I hadn't set out to do—but that she knew Iwouldbreak her heart. Like it was a foregone conclusion for me to do it.

“Is that how you really feel about me? That it’s inevitable I break your heart if things were to go further between us?”

She nodded, and I took in a sharp breath, wondering why I even fucking bothered. Because now I had a pretty good fucking idea how the reveal would go in a few days. She would find out Seven was me, and she’d shut me out like she was shutting me out now.

“I’m sorry. But I can’t let myself fall further into this fantasy that you might actually want me like I…”

She stood from the table and my hand shot out, instinctually grasping her wrist. “Sometimes how people really feel might surprise you.”

“And sometimes it’s not worth the risk,” she whispered, turning her wrist to pull free, and I immediately released her, not wanting to force her to be here if she didn’t want to be.

Leaning forward, I dropped my head into my hands, realizing how epically I’d managed to fuck things up in a week and a half. If I could rewind time, I’d…

Fuck that.

If I could rewind time, I’d have followed her into that bathroom before the fucking experiment even started and shoved that chewed up pencil into her hand and told her shecouldkeep thepenis. And the man attached to it, because I didn’t like the idea of her risking her heart on a stranger, even if Iwasthe stranger on the other side of the wall.

Hazel

The look in Reid’seyes when I’d confessed I thought he would break my heart did the breaking even before he had the chance to. I could tell I’d hurt him, and that was never my intention when I went over there. But it hurt too much to let things keep building like they had been.

Especially after witnessing that client—who was ten times more attractive and probably a billion times more experienced than I was—shamelessly hitting on him after he was done working on her tattoo. And that was his reality. He was a handsome man who had women throwing themselves at him, and he didn’t need me doing the same thing.

Because they all ended up a fleeting memory to him, and I wasn’t sure I could sacrifice our already fragile friendship to know what it felt like to be with him. I couldn’t risk the chance of losing him for good. It was hard enough to know what he was like behind the mask he put on for others.

But I couldn’t take back what I’d said to him, because I knew things had already gone too far for me to keep my heart safe. It hurt to walk away from the possibility of more.

As I walked across the cold parking lot, I mustered up what was left of my courage and sent the text I’d been plotting in my head since last night.

Fourteen: If you don’t want to talk to me, please just tell me. I’m spiraling a bit today and I’m not sure if I should read into you not responding to my last text. And while you claimed you’d becrying into your beer, I’m not sure I can show my face at that reveal if you won’t be there.

Three dots danced across the screen, and my heart pounded as I punched in the code on the lock to the back door. Too busy staring at my phone, I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going and almost dropped it when I crashed into someone turning the corner toward the back staircase.

“You okay, Haz?” My best friend’s voice was concerned as she steadied me with her hands on my arms. I was sure my face was splotchy from my confrontation with Reid, but at least I’d managed not to completely break down in front of him.

“I’m fine,” I muttered, looking away from her scrutinizing gaze. She was lucky, her face didn’t give away all her emotions like mine did. And I was sure she wouldn’t be freaking out if she was in my position, almost paralyzed by two men showing an interest in her. If she wasn’t so obsessed with my brother, she would eat up the attention with a spoon.

“No, you’re not.” She cupped my elbow and steered me toward the staircase, following me to the top and closing the door to what used to be her apartment, too. I’d been so out of it last night and this morning and hadn’t cleaned up the rest of the aftermath of what had happened with Reid.

Not that there was much, just a pile of pillows on the floor next to the couch in disarray. Staring hard at them, I wondered which was the one I’d been kneeling on.

“Why are you looking at your pillows like they’ve offended you? I thought you loved those things.”

Turning away from Charley, I tried to keep the blush at bay, but she wasn’t my best friend because she was unobservant. “No reason.”

“Bullshit. Sit down and tell me why you are mean mugging a fucking floral throw pillow and moping around the bar like the world is ending.”

I drew in a deep breath, trying to calm my heart, but I knew there was no way I was getting her out of the apartment withoutconfessing what was bothering me. She eyed me from her seat at the other end as I nudged the pillows away from me and sat down.

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