Page 61 of Corrupted Guilt

I couldn't help myself; it was like rubbing salt in the wound but I had to try to fight for this: "Don't you see how it can still be like this? There's no reason it can't."

"No."

“It’s silly that we're counting down until—”

“No! And you know what? Leave it alone. It is what it is.”

“How can I leave it? I love you! How can I let this go without a fight?”

“It makes you too big of a weakness for me to have, for my enemies, our enemies to exploit. To hurt you to hurt me.”

“I know the risks, but we can do something about them! Unless it's just me here—the one out on a limb alone… You don’t care about me.”

“You know that's not true.” He got up and walked around the house, leaving me there alone and destitute without him.

I did know but sometimes you need to hear it said aloud, too. I was finished, I knew it. I had let go completely of all my resistance to loving him. And I knew that even if he didn’t love me back, that wouldn’t matter. I had surrendered. I had waived my white flag and knew I loved him, terribly, sadly, totally, and unguardedly. And now I had to live with those feelings—with him or without him—for better or worse.

I didn’t know if this relationship could continue unchanged.

I began doubting whether he loved me genuinely or saw only my utility within the bratva's plans.

While sitting beside him in bed, he didn't look at me but spoke lowly and slowly, “This isn't easy for me.”

“I didn’t mean to ruin this.”

He smiled sadly. “You know it can't be like this forever—if anything happened to you... It would tear me apart—that's why we can't stay like this—you understand?”

“But—”

He kept talking over me, “I need to know you're safe,”he continued softly. “I can't be who I need to be without knowing you're okay—you understand? If I'm with you like this...it's just not sustainable. You're right—I am a coward… If I lose you… I'm done... But if I know you're safe then… then maybe I can put one foot in front of the other and keep going and do all the things I need to do. But without you, with you at risk or in danger … I couldn’t possibly do any of those things. This isn’t easy for me either but the alternative is impossible.”

28. Yuri

Katya and I, both, were still sorting things out about what we talked about and what it meant for both of us. These were still the halcyon days, but they were coming to an end, and quickly, however much we both didn’t want them to end.

I was distracted by Maxim and Anton and trying to figure out the password protected disk that was the key to everything, taking down Viktor and solving Dmitry’s death without alienating Katya from me forever.

I sat in my makeshift office and tried the encrypted disk password again. The problem was still whether the password was Tasha’s—and so possible to figure out from knowing her—, or Petya’s, and soimpossible to figure out because he’s a psychopath whose depths cannot be plumbed by the rational mind. Even torture wouldn’t work— a masochist like Petya would enjoy the pain.

I should ask Anton what his guy Nikita has found out, if anything. Any information would be helpful here. Without something go on, I’m a dog chasing his tail here.

As I was thinking where Anton might be, Maxim came by and watched me from the doorway. He could never remain silent for more than 30 seconds, usually, but he held his mouth closed for more than a minute now, until his self-restraint became unbearable.

“What is it Maxim?”

“Just wanted to tell you the word has been spread around that she’s in one of three places, and they’re all heavily guarded, this one obviously by us. But if we expect him, we should get scarce soon, make it look like Katya is alone here.”

“Soon,” I tell him absentmindedly. The password and whatever was on this disk was just as important.

“Boss …” Maxim started again, trailing off until I met his eyes.

I’ve never seen him less sure of himself. If he was kneading his hands together or looking down and rubbing a spot on the floor with his shoe it would be less obvious, he had something to say but didn’t want to say it.

“What is it Max? Tell me what’s on your mind.” There’s never been very much on his mind, so I am actually curious now.

“If this plan works, and we get Petya, we don’t need the disk. Why still bother with it?”

“Belt and suspenders. If the belt fails, the suspenders are plan B so you don’t get caught with your pants down. It just good planning.”

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