Page 31 of Corrupted Guilt

“No. But I don’t try to either. I don’t look back, only forwards.”

She rolls her eyes. “Blocking out childhood trauma is a defense mechanism, not the sign of a well-adjusted, emotionally mature adult.”

“I don’t pretend to be one of those,” I snap back. “I don’t need to be one of those to lead a Bratva. I ignore the past and the irrelevant, and what came before is both of those things.” I try to hide my annoyance, but I know she sees. She’s always watching, observing. One of the things I like about her but drives mecrazy at a time like this. “And what about you? Are you a well-adjusted, emotionally mature adult or just pretending?”

“I’m not sure,” she says warily.

“Then don’t throw stones at me from your glass house.”

“That’s fair,” she smiles. “I just wonder— Why did you bring me here?” It’s the type of question I’ve swatted away countless times since I crashed into her life. But I’m sick of the pretenses, of the games, the secrets. Seeing the way, I looked at her gave her a much-needed boost in confidence.

“We were both hungry, so it seemed like the smart thing to do.”

“Okay, but why a fancy place for burger and fries?”

“Isn’t this one of the best burgers you’ve ever had? That’s why. Plus, you need to feel like you belong in a place like this if we’re going to be married— no matter if the marriage is a sham, it still has to appear real and things like this make it appear real.”

My mention of marriage clearly makes her uncomfortable. She takes a gulp of beer, looking away, then changes the subject. “What about my father?”

“What about him?” I ask.

“You don’t think much of him, do you?”

“I don’t think anything of him. I don’t think of him at all.”

“Is that true? Is that why you're so successful? You ignore what’s not directly necessary?”

“You can’t think about more than one thing at a time, so yeah. Focus on the most important things, always.”

“OK, but at one point you liked and respected my father, right? How did you guys get along before … before Dmitry? The way he talks, you were close.”

I nodded, smiling at the memory of my mentor, when he was worthy of respect. “He was a good man. Everyone respected him. He really made a point of showing people that he waslistening, that he heard them. He gave you his full attention when you were with him, and that’s a rare quality.”

Katya gives a small smile. “I remember. Not that I got to see it very much,” she adds, sounding wistful. “You probably spent more time with him than I ever did.”

She’s joking but there’s an edge of sorrow behind her remark.

She pauses, years of sadness behind her eyes. No wonder she always acts so icy and self-sufficient. It’s the only way she can cope with her life. Compassion isn’t what she needs from me right now, though. She needs to deal with her shit, so I don’t go easy on her.

“Viktor was willing to sell you to Petya for … I still don’t know what Viktor is supposed to get, but I promise you, it’s not enough. Not nearly enough. And no one’s ever going to treat you that way again, not like Petya or like Viktor. You may not feel very strong right now, but you’re stronger than you know.”

Katya gives a weak smile. “I don’t feel strong. I feel like a total mess most of the time.”

“It takes a strong woman to put up with me. And to give up control of herself, the way I want you to, and to trust me, trust that I won’t hurt you like them.

She swallows. “Thank you, Yuri. Not just for dinner, but for everything.”

“Always,” I say simply. And it’s true. This woman has gotten under my skin and wrapped herself around my heart. Whatever she needs from me, I’ll provide.

Except for the one thing she wants from me.

Forgetting my duty, my job is why Dmitry is dead. She doesn’t know that but it’s why I can’t take my eye off the ball again. Why I can’t focus on her and give her everything she wants from me.

That ends in death.

12. Katya

“We’ve eaten. Let’s go.” He says as he stands and takes my hand, walking fast out of the restaurant.

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