“I’ll accept your help and Tasha’s presence, but the cost is I get freedom of movement. Around the apartment, around campus, all without you and without a visible Tasha. Deal?”
“That’s a rational ask.”
“Does that mean yes?”
I nodded. “It’s a yes.”
I can read her poker face.
It’s clear as day.
She plans another escape.
And this time I’ll let her.
6. Katya
I’ll just wander away, catch a bus or something to a new town and start over. Send Dad an anonymous letter about Yuri – he’d believe anonymous more than me.
Freedom and a new start and a clear conscience.
I saved up about $2,000 from rent and books – I can make it to a new city and get a motel room and a crappy job then go to a new college somewhere far away.
My first quiz today in Psych 101 is the perfect time to escape. Not that I can’t crush this quiz – I know my shit. But who knows when I may get another chance like this? Yuri and Tasha’s guards are down, I have a little bit of money, and I can get the tuition refund sent to me. That would make my new life a little more comfortable for me.
I grab a coffee with Tasha before the quiz. It’s barely off-campus, only technically. But close enough to the real world and the street and the bus line for this to be the perfect place to escape.
I just must be smart.
Part of me doesn’t believe Yuri is really going to let me leave the apartment without his watchful eye on me every second. But I gave him my syllabus the night before, with the quiz date, and it looks good. He can’t deny me that – that’s the putative reason I’m here.
Tasha sits at a corner table, and I join her.
I think she sees the anxiety in my face but luckily misreads it. “You shouldn’t worry too much about this quiz.”
“I’m a little worried. Haven’t had a big day in a long time. Lots to do.”
She smiles, and says, “Quizzes still make me nervous. That’s the fun part,” Tasha says with a dazzling smile. “I love that feeling.”
“Being anxious and nervous? How can you love that feeling? It’s the worst.”
She shrugs. “It’s a challenge getting yourself under control. And a skill you need to learn if you want to survive with Yuri.”
I quirk my eyebrows, “I don’t want to survive with Yuri. I want Yuri to get the hell out of my life.”
She laughs politely, but her face quickly smooths, getting herself under control. “That may not be your choice – and I’m not sure why you’d want that anyway. But we can talk about that later, none of it will help you focus on your test today. If you’re struggling in there, get up, walk out, head to the bathroom and wash your face in cold water, you'll feel like a million bucks. That’s what I did during the bar exam, a two-day, 6-hours-each-day test. Months of studying, 3 years of my life in law school wasted if I fail, job offer revoked, et cetera. Lots of pressure, but cold water on the face while you hold your breath is that mammalian dive reflex/ response, it calms you immediately, it’s science/ evolution. Your body jumps into survival mode, heart & brain get prioritized, mind clears of panic, all that good stuff… it’s the mother of all reset buttons, trust me. All the stress from the test will wash away, then you walk back in and feel like you did at the start.”
“Really?” I ask, incredulously.
“Try it now if you want,” she says, smiling.
Holy shit, she’s telling me to leave her? That was easier than I thought. I feel a little bad she’s being so helpful and I’m about to ditch her but I’m also almost giddy to get gone.
She doesn’t suspect a thing; I tell myself as I rise from my chair and head to the bathroom in the back. I glance back at Tasha, and she isn’t even looking at me. I skip past the bathrooms and into a kitchen door and slide out a side door without anyone stopping me.
That was so fucking easy I really can’t believe it.
My heart flutters like a bird in a cage during my walk from the back of the coffee shop to the off-campus streets.