Page 59 of Texting Dr. Stalker

X:I know it shouldn’t, but it makes me happy to know you slept better because of me. And you can be mad at me for trespassing. I’m mad at myself for breaking my rules so soon into this. You have my word. I won’t do it again.

My teeth ground together with annoyance.

If IadmittedI’d liked him trespassing, why was he adamant that he’d never do it again?

I paused, assessing the swelling feelings inside me.

I smiled.

It’d been so long since I’d felt anything but out of control and lost. The faintest tinge of frustration felt good. It gave me back a spark, a flame, and I scrolled eagerly through the rest of his messages.

X:I’m not saying I can help with the depression you mentioned, but I’ll try to give you back your happiness. Not sure how but…I’m always here to talk.

I scanned the next one.

X:If I were a doctor—which I’m not—I’d say you’re suffering from rising agoraphobia because you can’t trust open spaces, but you’re also claustrophobic because the house is closing in on you. Talking about what sets you off might help, but you should also probably see someone with expertise in these conditions.

Why did he sound exactly like a doctor even after professing he wasn’t one?

X:How about you start now? Talk to me as if every word you say gets deleted the second you type it. Give it a voice and then let it go.

Cradling my phone, I read and reread that last one.

The idea of whatever I said suddenly un-existing as soon as I said it was resoundingly enticing. Whoever X was, he was good at this. Good at giving me pathways out of the dark forest of my mind.

Me:It’s my turn to apologise for my late reply. I was busy making face cream for my business.

I sent it but immediately felt guilty.

Me:That’s a lie. I stayed busy because I didn’t want to message you back.

My phone hummed in my palm a second later.

X:Why didn’t you want to message me back?

Me:Because I sounded like a clingy girlfriend demanding to know you won’t judge or pity me. I don’t like how weak I sounded.

X:Would it help to know it’s physically impossible for me to pity you? I can’t because I’m in awe of you.

There went my heart again.

Me:What about judging me?

X:The only thing I’m judging is myself and how much I’m fucking this up.

My heart flutters switched into full skipping rope hops.

Me:What do you mean?

He took a few minutes as if gathering his thoughts.

X:I’m going to take our vow of honesty at face value, okay? I guess this is me asking you not to judge me now.

I shivered and cuddled deeper in my blanket.

Me:I won’t.

X:I think I made a mistake messaging you.

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