About the way Sailor had been on the ground, crawling away from a guy intent on hurting her. Yet another motherfuckingassholewho thought they could hurt her. My chest seized. I staggered backward, landing against a car.
“Zander?” Sailor rushed to my side, her hand landing on my arm braced across my chest. “Are you okay? Did you get hurt?”
Her concern for me. Her caring for me. It was too much. I couldn’t do it.
My knees threatened to buckle.
Who was I kidding that I could keep X a secret for the rest of my life? I’d crack. I’d never been good at hiding stuff and my cover was most likely blown anyway, but…the way she watched me? The soft gratefulness in her blue eyes. The utmost trust on her pretty pixie face. It was so different to her initial reaction. Before the police arrived, she’d looked almost angry with me. Her gaze locked on my mouth as if she was about to either punch me or kiss me.
She looked so worn out, so fragile.
It fucking killed me that I hadn’t messaged her back as X. That I’d left her alone and afraid after promising to always be there for her.
But if I’d come as X…
My chin dropped as pain I’d never felt before carved through me.
The more interactions I had with her as X, the deeper my lies went. She’d never forgive me for touching her in disguise. For taking advantage of her like so many other pricks had tried.
I should never have gone around that night for cake and orgasms.
I should never have touched her so intimately. At least then she wouldn’t feel so betrayed.
Swallowing the grief haunting my heart, I cleared my throat and focused on getting Sailor home. At least on Ember Drive, I could watch her through my window and ensure no one else tried to harm her.
“I’m—” I cleared my throat and stood straight.
She dropped her hand and took a careful step back, wariness once again appearing in her stare.
I ignored how much that gutted me. “I’m assuming you drove here?”
She frowned a little that I hadn’t answered her question of how I was. “I did.” Looking over her shoulder, she forced herself to stand taller. “It’s parked over there somewhere.”
I should offer to walk her to Rory’s ancient Honda Civic. Hell, I should offer to buy her an up-to-date safe vehicle that wasn’t as old as her, but all I could say was, “Come for a ride with me?”
Wait, what?
What the fuck are you doing?
She gasped, her eyes flaring wide. “What? Right now?” Glancing at the sky where the clouds pressed heavy and black, she wrinkled her nose. “It’s about to pour down.”
“I don’t care.”
You’ve lost it.
Well and truly lost it.
Stiffening, she searched my face.
I shoved my glasses up my nose and let her look. I doubted she’d see any evidence of X—despite me coming instead of him. Sure, I’d embraced violence and relished in beating the shit out of Chad Harris, but that was over and knowing how close I’d come to losing her?
Fuck, I’d never felt more like me—like the lonely doctor who’d convinced himself he didn’t need anyone, only to realise that was the biggest lie of all.
One of the streetlights illuminating a row of cars suddenly blacked out.
It reminded me of her TV randomly turning on the moment I kissed her as X.
Goosebumps darted down my spine. She rubbed her arms, suffering the same curse.