Page 230 of Texting Dr. Stalker

His chest strained with a heavy breath.

I blushed.

Zander might’ve been hiding the darker parts of his personality that only ever came out when he was X, but…so had I.

I might have gone my entire life pretending that I didn’t have urges—normal,simpleurges. Now I was happy to admit, I wanted a man to adore me but also rule me. I was both a feminist and a traditionalist. I craved to be taken care of by a man who I trusted to fight off monsters, but also become that monster in bed when it was just us. In return, I wanted to be the hearth he came home to. I wanted to care for him, protect him, and be the one he could be both man and monster with.

And if I couldn’t convince Zander that he needn’t be afraid of wanting those same normal,wonderfulurges, then…drastic moves would have to be taken.

Gathering every shred of courage I had, I sniffed. “Okay, I’ll go first.” Placing my hands on my lap, I forced myself to meet his stare. “Secret number one is…the night Milton tried to kill me…I told you he accused me of watching my neighbour when I’d been distracted and thinking of work. That’s…a lie. A lie I couldn’t even admit to until today. My best friend forced me to realise just how aware I’ve been of Zander North my entire life. Yes, I moved into this house to care for my nana, and yes, I love this home more than any other but…the real reason washim.” I shrugged, my back prickling with the hard-to-swallow truth. “I missed him when I lived in the city. I missed him every time I returned from a visit here. I loved every time our grandparents whispered about us getting married and felt physical pain at the thought that he’d end up with someone else. Living close by—being able to see him, even from a distance—was a temptation I wasn’t strong enough to ignore.”

X didn’t say a word, frozen in his chair.

It still felt odd to talk about Zander as if he wasn’t here, but I threw myself headfirst into making him break, allowing myself to break in the process. “I’m not taking responsibility or excusing Milton’s behaviour that night. I will never forgive him, and there will never be a good enough reason for a man to try to kill his significant other, but…I will admit that it wasn’t just him at fault in our relationship. I went along with it because I thought I couldn’t have the man I wanted. The man I didn’t even admit I wanted. I made do and settled for what I thought I deserved, all while craving someone else. I thought I was so stealthy whenever I’d spy on my neighbour, but it turns out, I wasn’t. Lily noticed. Milton noticed. And that’s when cracks started appearing. The night Milton found me watching Zander in his bedroom, he didn’t say a word. He watched me watching my neighbour and saw how I reacted when he dropped his towel.”

I blushed, confessing this to the very man I’d spied on, doing my best to keep talking about him in the third person. “That was the first time he ever exposed himself in full view of the window. He showed me exactly what I’ve been wanting all these years. I think I must’ve gasped or done something to give myself away, and…Milton retaliated.”

I trembled as the phantom pain around my throat returned. The kicks and the punches, the slurs and the curses. “He tossed me around like a lump of meat that night. He would’ve taken my life if it hadn’t been for Jim, but…the biggest secret beneath all of that horror is…Zander wasn’t my trigger. My feelings for him were.”

“Sailor, stop. You don’t need to—”

“I do. And you need to listen.”

He slouched in the chair, his eyes infinitely sad.

Sucking in a breath, I continued, “All this time, I placed the blame on Zander. I willingly let blindness keep me from understanding that I was partly at fault even though what Milton did was inexcusable. But thenyoucame into my life. A faceless, nameless guardian who held my hand through the panic attacks and hugged me through the terror, and somehow, you made me come alive again. However, what you don’t know is…you also made me become someone else. The night you bruised me and commanded me to kneel was—”

“Wrong—”

“The best damn night of my life.” I balled my hands on the table. “You showed me that I’ve been lying to myself all this time. I might want my sweet neighbour, but the one thing holding me back from attempting a relationship with him was…I don’t want sweet in the bedroom. I want whatyougave me. Primal and passionate and so full of emotion that the bruises you left behind were talismans of connection, not abuse. Milton left me with scars but you…you left me with memories I will never forget, which brings me to my second secret.”

X rubbed his eyes with a groan. “I can’t handle hearing another one. I know I said I’d always be there to hear whatever you wanted to tell me, but, Sailor, I can’t hear this. I can’t because I’m not the man you think I am, and—”

“It will be your turn to confess soon enough. Let me finish.”

His eyes flashed the wrong colour, but finally, he nodded. “Go ahead.”

Arching my chin, I said, “I’m in love with both of you. I love Zander, and I love you. My heart has been torn in two over this, and it’s made me feel like a terrible person, but now I know how I can fix it.”

“How?” he asked helplessly.

Tapping my throat, I smiled. “Sorry, confessing is thirsty work. I’ll just grab a glass of water. Be right back.” I stood and Peng trotted over the table from where he’d been lounging beside the ice-cream tub, chilling his tiny tummy and getting his fur all frosty.

Grabbing him, I moved him to the floor. He wouldn’t appreciate this next bit.

While I went to the cupboard and grabbed my mixing bowl, X burrowed his masked face into his hands and slouched.

He didn’t see me fill the bowl to the brim.

Didn’t even look at me while I pretended to slake my thirst.

He still had his head bowed by the time I carried the bowl of water toward him, staying behind him the entire time.

My arms trembled beneath the weight as I whispered, “You know, after a lifetime of being scolded by my nana and raised with the same marriage promise that I have, you should know not to mess with a Rose, Z.”

And then, I dumped the entire bowl of water over his head.

* 54 *

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