Page 54 of (Un)Spoken

“I should never have gone,” Cole continued. “I knew those guys were bad news, but they didn’t care about me. They didn’t want me to work through things or make myselfbetter. They were just looking for someone else to join their ring of misery. And I was, Tori. I was so fucking miserable, and it was almost comforting to be around them. To not have to think, to not have to remember what a fuck up I was.”

“You’re not a fuck-up,” I said, lifting to my feet.

“Yes, I was,” Cole insisted. “And the worst part was, I didn’t care about that. I just wanted to feel numb. And then, when a couple of drinks turned into a whole bottle, I still couldn’t muster enough energy to care. I was chasing oblivion. And when all you want is the darkness, you start to resent the light.”

He reached out and took my hand. “You’ve always been that, trouble. The light to my dark. The good, strong daughter with an even stronger heart. I resented you because I knew if you were in my position, you wouldn’t have failed. You would have fought and would never have stopped until you felt whole again. And I failed. Failed you, failed everyone who cared about me.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s the truth.” Cole blinked up at me, tears filling his dark eyes. “In my mind, you were better off without me. So I kept pushing until you snapped, and all I could think was good; now, she can live in the sunshine without me pulling her down anymore.”

I shook my head. “That wasn’t what I wanted. Never did. You know how much it hurt to cut you off? How much it killed me to know I wouldn’t have you in my life?” Anger I’d tried to bury now broke free, letting loose years of hurt feelings. “You had everything, Cole! And you were too damn stubborn to see it.” I turned around, wrapping my hands around my waist. “You were my hero, Cole, even after you came home. I could see how much you were hurting,and all I wanted was to help. Then you kept pushing me away, and still, I kept coming back, hoping I would see a glimpse of my brother again.”

I sniffled, turning to face him, hating the look of defeat on his face. But he was right—there was no going back, not after we’d already started exposing our wounds. If we didn’t say everything, then they would just continue to fester, causing an even bigger divide between us. “When I found out I was pregnant, you were one of my first calls. Mom and Dad were so disappointed in me, and all I wanted was for you to say I’d be okay. That I could do this.” I shook my head. “Do you even remember my call?”

He sucked in a sharp breath before shaking his head. I scoffed. “That’s what I thought. That was the moment I decided I was done. Not for me. I would have kept fighting for you, kept pushing you to get help, no matter the cost.” I held my hand to my heart. “Except for her. Emilia was the reason I had the strength to walk away. Because I knew if you ever hurt her, I’d never be able to look at you again.”

“I’m glad you did,” Cole said. “You were just a kid, Tor. You never should have had to deal with any of that. And I wish I was a stronger man and had gotten help the first time you offered it.”

“Why didn’t you?” I cried. “Why wasn’t it enough to make you stop?”

Cole cursed under his breath. “I wish I knew, Tor. I wish more than anything that I had a perfect answer for you, but I don’t.” He exhaled and stepped forward. “But know this: there has not been a minute when I haven’t wanted to make amends with you, to apologize for being a shitty excuse of a brother. To be a part of your life again.”

“You didn’t say anything.”

“I couldn’t,” he answered. “At first, it was the shame,not wanting to face the horrible things I’d done. And then, I didn’t want to push you, not until you were ready.”

“I want to be,” I admitted. “I see how much you’ve changed, how great you’re doing here. All I want is to be able to forgive you.” I blinked, trying to push my tears away. “But there’s a small part of me that can’t let go, and I’m afraid it’s going to ruin things between us.”

Cole stepped forward, pulling me into a hug. “It won’t. As much as I wish we could snap our fingers to go back to before, it doesn’t work like that. Forgiveness takes time, and I’m going to put in the work to earn your trust back. Don’t worry about how long it takes. I’m not going anywhere.”

I sniffled, burying my face further into his shirt. “When did you get so smart?”

“I’ve had a lot of sins to atone for, Tori, and there’s a strong chance I’ll make more mistakes along the way. But all I’m asking is for you to talk to me. Give me a chance to be there for you again.”

“I can do that.”

He smiled against the crown of my head. After a long hug, he pulled back, searching my face for any sign of distress. “Love you, little sister.”

“Love you too, big brother.”

I pushed away, wiping my tears on the back of my hand. As much as it hurt to dig through our painful history, there was a part of me that felt lighter than I had in years. I’d been putting so much pressure on myself to completely forgive Cole and ignore any negative emotions for fear of making things worse between us. But Cole was right—there was no way we could heal if we didn’t face the things that haunted us.

For a moment, I was tempted to tell him about Adam, to expose the final secret lingering between us. But asmuch as I appreciated my brother, he didn’t have a place in my relationship. If we were going to take this step, Adam needed to have input to decide if he was ready to talk to his best friend.

As I thought about Adam, all I wanted was to be near him, to feel his skin on mine. I turned to Cole, trying to hide my excitement. “So, can we agree I won?”

“Obviously,” Cole snorted. “What’s your price?”

I chewed on my lower lip, playing with an idea in my head. “I want to ask a favor, but you can’t ask any questions.”

“Which immediately makes me want to ask questions.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m serious.”

“Fine,” Cole huffed. “What are you thinking?”

“Can you take Emilia for the night? She’s been begging for a sleep-over at your house all week, and I think tonight’s a good time for one.”

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