Page 35 of Mass Sins

“Talk to me, Bennie. I can help,” I told her, my voice calm.

She looked into my eyes again and smiled tightly, her gaze filled with insecurity. “When I was little, I was always told that being with a man in a sexual way was a sin. I believed that, and I was convinced that I would only ever be intimate with a guy once I was old enough. The older I got, I figured it wouldn’t be so bad to explore my sexuality, and while I didn’t have many boys be interested in me, I did kiss a few. Then, when I met my ex, I was so in love with him that I wanted to explore my sexuality even more, and I knew I wasn’t the only religious woman who did sexual things. So…I figured God couldn’t be mad at me for that. Then again, I thought he already hated me because of the cancer he made me fight two times.”

She took a deep breath, her emotions overcoming her. Her voice became shaky, and her body was tense.

I pulled her closer to me, putting one arm around her shoulders to hold her close, and keeping on holding her hand in my lap. I pressed a long kiss to her forehead, giving her the time she needed.

“God doesn’t hate you, Bennie,” I assured her, gently rubbing her back.

“I don’t know if I can believe that.”

I understood her issues, and while I was meant to guide her, I was starting to feel anger myself. The God we both trusted all our lives had hurt Bennie, and it made me angry. In the strangest way, I felt rage toward him for inflicting so much pain that she started questioning everything she went through.

My body was tense, and I needed a moment to reflect on everything.

Bennie had been the first person to ever make me question my faith, and while I knew I had always done a good job as a priest, I knew my private life was sinful, and God definitely didn’t appreciate the things I did.

But with Bennie, I couldn’t regret anything. Not the path that brought me here, not the things I had done to upset the church, and certainly not the pull I felt toward her. She made me question not only my faith but also my purpose.

Maybe I was never meant to be a damn priest. Maybe I was meant to be a sinful man who occasionally went to church to beg for forgiveness, only to then leave and do it all over again.

But I was just too good at my job. I was good at listening to people, to help them, to give them advice. Hell, even if I was now questioning my beliefs, I could still be a good priest.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her voice breaking the heavy silence. Her head dipped, and her hair fell forward, hiding her face.

“For what?” I asked, my voice sharper than I intended. I tilted her chin up so she would look at me, the warmth of her skin immediately making me calm down as my emotions stirred inside of me. “Bennie, you have nothing to be sorry for. Ever.”

Her lips quivered. “Yes, I do. For making you talk about all this. For…doubting. For dragging you into my mess.”

I shook my head, an ironic smile tugging at my lips. “You think this is a mess? Bennie, you’re the clearest thing in mylife right now. The one thing that doesn’t feel like a lie. You’re challenging me in the best way possible. In a way no other woman has ever challenged me.”

Her eyes searched mine, and I let her see the truth of it. The way she was unraveling all the walls I had built over the years to hide who I really was. I wasn’t supposed to feel this way, wasn’t supposed to want something so badly that it threatened everything I thought I knew about myself and the life I chose. But here I was, and here she was, and I couldn’t let go even if I wanted to.

I leaned in closer, resting my forehead against hers. “We both have a lot to figure out, but we’ll figure it out together. I’m here for you. Iwantto be here for you. And I just know that this thing between us will be big.”

She let out a soft sigh as her body slowly eased. I leaned back to look into her eyes, and she smiled softly at me. “It’s funny, you know?”

“What is?”

“How my mind was leading me in one direction, but my heart just pulled me down this road.” She laughed softly, shaking her head gently. “I wanted to know about your past, know everything about the things you have done, but now, all I want is to find it out myself.”

Her curiosity was still there. It never left, and in a way, that was the sweetest fucking thing ever. She had an innocent soul that got hurt many times before, but she wanted to explore. Wanted to see what life was like with a man was who could show her new things. Good things. Things she’d cherish and learn to love.

I wanted all that for her. And I wanted to be the man by her side.

“I feel like a mess,” she whispered, her gaze dropping to our hands in my lap. “But it’s exciting.”

I smiled and pressed another kiss to her forehead, then another to her cheek, and one last to her soft lips. “We’ll figure it out. Together. And we’ll make it exciting, every step of the way.”

Her face lit up, that curiosity keeping on shining in her eyes. “Promise?”

“I promise, sweetheart.”

She wrapped her arms around me, holding me close as if she never wanted to let go. And in that moment, I knew that Bennie was the one who would change my life in ways I never thought possible.

BENNIE

Our date was more than just a date.

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