And now I’m staring down the barrel of that freedom, and I don’t want it.
I’d happily exchange so much if it meant Alex survives this. I’d give up my dreams, my hopes, almost anything, so long as he can walk down those stairs again.
“You should sit down,” Lev says and steers me to the couch. This time, he makes some herbal tea, which I accept.
He takes the chair next to the couch with a sigh. We don’t say anything for a while. Lev stares straight ahead at the windows overlooking the river while I drink my tea and look at the bottom of the mug, praying and willing Alex to be alright.
“He saved me,” Lev says suddenly, cracking the silence over.
I look at my brother. “I’m not surprised.”
“I am. I didn’t deserve it. He told me not to go in there and to wait for backup, but I didn’t listen. He came back for me, saved my life, and might’ve gotten killed for it.” He looks down at his hands. “And I’ve been such a dick to him.”
“Yeah, you have.” And then, more softly, “but he did sort of deserve it.”
“I don’t know. Did he? I mean, if I were in his position, would I have done anything differently? It’s easy to be pissed at the two of you, but mistakes happen. People fuck up. They get pregnant. That’s god damn life. But god fucking hell, the way you rippedapart that marriage on the fucking wedding day—“ He stares at me and shakes his head. “It was bad, Nat. You weren’t there, but it wasbad.”
I let him tell me the story of my wedding day. The story I wasn’t around for. The wedding that I skipped. He told me how he realized I was gone and sent everyone out looking for me. How he was the one to let Adriano know I was missing. How the Italians want from worried, to annoyed, to fucking livid, and how he was the one to try to salvage the situation.
At least until everyone realized what had happened.
Then the Italians went nuclear.
With Lev right in the middle.
He thought there was going to be a shoot-out, right then and there. Instead, Don Marino swore there would be death and vengeance, while Adriano said almost nothing. That really stuck with Lev: Adriano’s strange, cool, almost detached acceptance of the whole thing.
“Now I know he was furious, but not showing it.” Lev lets out a long breath and leans his head back against the chair, eyes screwing shut. “A part of me wishes we’d ended things right there. Maybe if we’d all just killed each other, one of this would be happening.”
“I’m glad you’re not dead.”
He snorts and glances at me. “I bet you are.”
“I’m serious. I know you must hate me for what happened, but Lev, look at it from my perspective. I screwed up in Paris. Me and Alex did something stupid, and I got pregnant. How could I justify marrying a total stranger, knowing that I was havinganother man’s baby? And if Adriano had found out one day, what would’ve happened to me? I went to Alex the night before, but he turned me down. I was going to go through with it.”
Lev’s eyebrows raise. “Really? I didn’t know that.”
“He told me to forget him and I ever slept together. But then he showed up the next day and everything changed.”
“Huh.” Lev tilts his head. “I’m honestly surprised. I figured the second he knew you were pregnant with his child, he just… you know, whisked you away.”
“I wish. That’s what I wanted, but no. He said he couldn’t do it. I guess he changed his mind, and now—“ I glance back toward the stairs.
“That asshole.” Lev closes his eyes. “He shouldn’t have come back for me, but I’m happy he did.”
“I’m happy he showed up for me, too. Even if now he’s dead because of it.”
“Guess we’ve got something in common now, huh?” Lev tries to grin at me, but it quickly fades. “It sucks it took something like this for me to start talking to you again. But god damn it, Nat, I’m so mad at you.”
“I know you are. And for what it’s worth, I never wanted to hurt anyone.”
“But you did. You really did. People are going to die because of the choice you made. Dad’s never going to forgive you.”
“Are you going to?”
He considers, which is more than I expected, and eventually nods. “I’m going to be mad for a while, but you’re my sister. You’re all I’ve got left now.”
“Thanks, Lev,” I say quietly. “When you’re ready, I want to be in your life again.” I touch my stomach and smile a little. “And I hope you’re excited to be an uncle.”