Page 45 of Stay, Swear.

He breaks his stare and looks to Dec, “Think what happened to Clara, then multiply it by about a thousand, take out theex fiance and replace it with biological father, and you’re still not thinking extreme enough.”

My gaze whips to him, “You know? What the fuck, Roe!? And then you don’t even have the respect to keep it to yourself? You blab to others?”

Rowan glares at me, “I didn’t‘blab to others.’as you so eloquently put it. All I did was give Dec surface level information. His imagination takes over the rest. I’m not the enemy here, Kie.” He places his hand on the back of my head ruffling my hair like he’s always done.

“She told me everything last night, even stuff Clara doesn’t know. Then I told her I love her. She said it back and now I’m here working through my shit while she’s safe at work. I just needed to get it out somehow, I’m good now.”

Declan tightens his grip on the back of my neck slightly, “You aren’t. Kieran, I haven’t seen you cry since you were about ten.”

Shrugging his hand off me I stand up then reach my hand for his, “Yeah, I know, there’s a reason for that.”

Rowan cuts in standing while I pull Dec up, “What reason is that?”

They’ve already seen me lose it, might as well keep going at this point.

“Well, big brother, it’s simple really. I’m not allowed to. My profession and the standards I’m held to don’t allow me to beat the shit out of a heavy weight bag then sit on the ground and cry because the girl I’m in love with was hurt so badly that she’ll never fully recover from what they did to her.”

Declan tilts his head, “The standard you’re held to outside of this house, you mean?”

I shake my head at him, “No, I mean the standard I’m heldto across the board. What kind of head security or enforcer would I be if I couldn’t keep my emotions in check on the job? You think holding all of this back for years and years is easy? I get scared, worried, and things weigh on my conscience just like they do yours. At home I’m the ‘rolls off his back’ brother, I make a joke out of everything, not a care in the world. You think that’s what’s happening inside my head? I worry about and deal with things that would never be a blip on your radar. It’s not an easy feat keeping you guys safe and alive. I keep the organization free of danger, if I fail someone dies. I don’t have time to be anything other than what people expect of me.” I’m yelling by the time I’m done. Rowan suddenly grabs the back of my neck and pulls me into a hug. This isn’t a ‘bro hug’. No, this is an embrace that only siblings can give you. Like when you’re at the edge of a cliff dangling one foot over and they’re the only ones who can snatch you back to solid ground.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry we made you feel like you couldn’t just be Kieran when we weren’t at work.” His embrace is so tight I want to tell him I can’t breathe but I don’t dare.

“It’s partially my fault too. You can’t fix what I don’t tell you is broken.”

Breaking apart he grasps my shoulder, both of us looking at Declan, “I’m sorry as well, I’ll be more vigilant. You can always come to me and talk. I definitely understand the pressure.” His nose scrunches up and a look of uncomfortability and what looks almost like disgust crosses his face.

“But also, I’m not going to hug you. I’ll support you without the hug, if it’s all the same.”

Unable to help it I break out in laughter. Declan is the least affectionate out of all of us.

“Yeah, Dec. I got you.”

* * *

I roll my shoulders, easing the stress and tension built up there. My arms are sore after my stint in the home gym. So I’m shaking them out a little bit as I pursue my tools sitting on my table while also waiting for Nix to pick up the phone. I have Alex Hayes hanging from my favorite hook, he’s passed out, pussy. I’m waiting for him to come to and in the meantime I just need to hear her voice. The phone connects as my hand automatically reaches for my favorite fillet knife, freshly sharpened and glinting in the overhead light.

“Hey, Mo Stóirín.” My lips curve into a smile just hearing her bustling around her office.

“Hey Mystery Man. What are you doing?” Her voice wraps around me calming all my fears and anxieties while allowing myself to move firmly into the unfeeling killer I need to be right now.

“Not a lot, just about to start a meeting. How’s work going?” I turn back to Alex and push him with the toe of my shoe.

Unlike my brothers I don’t like conducting business like this in suits, they’re restrictive, and expensive. It’s such a waste of money to burn them after every man I encourage for information. It’s because of that, I’m not as annoyed when blood gets on my shoes, they’re just Forces after all. Nor will I be annoyed when all sorts of bodily fluids end up on my sweats and t-shirt. After this I’ll shower, burn the clothes and shoes I’m wearing, then walk out of the warehouse in the same three piece suit I was dressed in when I got here. It’s the perfect formula, really.

“It’s okay. Jackson is avoiding me like the plague but really what do you expect?”

“Is he being a prick?”

She laughs at the rasp in my voice. “No Kie. He’s just licking his wounds. He’ll adjust in the next few days and go back to the pain in the ass boss I know and secretly enjoy.”

“You enjoy Hill now, Brave Girl?” I’m just playing with her, but also I’m a jealous prick, so I hope she tells me what I want to hear.

“I enjoy you… And me… That look you give me when you’re horny… And when your-” Before she can finish her sentence Alex groans as he begins to wake up. “What was that, Kieran?”

Now it’s my turn to groan but in frustration instead of pain, “Just finish the sentence. Please babe, I have to go but I’m begging you to finish your train of thought.” I’m practically drooling for her answer, but she likes to torture me so of course she doesn’t.

“Have a good meeting, Kie.”

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