Page 19 of The Friend Zone

Jagger’s smirk is cocky. “If you’re asking if I got my dick sucked before the game, I did. You didn’t have to go as far as to send your girlfriend by the way.”

“Bianca isn’t my girlfriend,” Topher chuckles. “She’s just a fun little side piece. Something to keep me entertained until I get Bay back. You’re welcome by the way. I’m sure you’ve tried how much she loves playing with balls firsthand.”

I can’t fucking believe this.

I don’t know if I’m more furious at the arrogant, cocksure way Topher says he’s going to get back together with Bay, or at the fact that Jagger let the bunnies blow him before the game.

When he looked so torn earlier about ending his deal with Bay, I believed him. I even thought he might have feelings for her for a second. But it must have all been bullshit, if he got that blowjob. Especially from Bianca, after what she did to Bay.

I’ve always thought Jagger was a decent guy, that’s why we’ve been tight from the second we met on Cove Knights ice in freshman year. If he lied to Bay to get in her pants and then had the nerve to hook up with Bianca, I guess I didn’t know him as well as I thought.

I don’t give a fuck that he’s terrified that Topher will release that video. Whatever he did during his initiation in GammaDelta Tau, it doesn’t give him a pass to treat Bay like she’s disposable.

For the first time ever, I’m almost more mad at Jagger than at Topher.

I clench my fists, fighting the urge to teach them both a lesson in decency and storm into the shower to clear my head and wash off this horrible defeat.

When I’m done, I leave the locker room alone, not in the mood to talk to anyone.

The shower hasn’t helped ease the storm of emotions that are warring in my head.

I’m still furious at Jagger and Topher, but I’m also aware that I’m not completely innocent in this situation.

If I’m ready to judge Jagger for trying to protect his reputation at Bay’s expense, what does it say about me that I’m avoiding her too?

I can justify my behavior with the fact that being kicked out of the Gamma house would leave me homeless. But if I look at the situation without any bullshit excuses, I must admit that Topher’s threat is very convenient.

The truth is that I’m terrified of putting my heart on the line. I love Bay so deeply, that if she didn’t reciprocate my feelings, it would fucking kill me.

I’ve known I was in love with her from the second we met. How could it be any different?

Bay is perfect.

Her outer beauty is just the tip of the iceberg, the thing that attracted me to her first. Her wit, her intelligence, her kindness are what made me fall hopelessly in love with my best friend.

By the time I had gathered the courage to ask her out freshman year, she was already with Topher.

The more I waited, the more excuses I found to justify why I couldn’t tell her how I felt.

When she came back to campus a few weeks ago, Topher was no longer in the way, but I kept looking for more excuses to keep the status quo.

She’s too hurt.

It’s too soon after the end of a long term relationship.

She’s on the rebound.

If I tell her and she doesn’t feel the same, I’ll lose her as a friend.

She’s hooking up with Jagger.

The reality is that I’m a chickenshit and I’ve been clinging to every excuse not to put my heart on the line.

This new awareness however, doesn’t change a thing.

I’m still too scared of how hurt I’d be if Bay rejected me, and Topher has just offered me the most convenient excuse I could have hoped for and I took it like the coward I am.

That meant that I started avoiding Bay just as much as Jagger. I’ve been the shittiest friend in the world. Too selfish to support Bay when things got tough.

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