Page 40 of Hockey Heart

“Gotcha,” he said sadly, trying to sound as if he wasn’t disappointed. Was heactuallydisappointed? “Well, hey, see you around then, Sarah.”

“Yeah. See you around Hayden.”

And with that, he turned on his heels as the school bell rang out. He went back to his glamorous life, and I went back to my… Life.

“You did what!?”

Kensy and I had holed up at Denny’s after work. I’d have preferred cocktails, but at least the coffee was good, and their lava cake was a dream.

“C’mon Kensy. He’s a fantasy. It’s not real. Let’s not forget the two dates before that.”

“HaydenfuckingRaynor threw himself at you and you, YOU, turned him out.”

Kensy was staring at me with shocked bemusement. “What did he say?”

“Oh. Well,” I avoided Kensy’s eyes, “This morning he invited me to the Mayor’s Ball, if you can believe that!”

I thought for a moment she was going to faint, “The Mayors… OH MY GOD!”

“I mean, I said no.”

“You said… No!?”

“Well, it is quiz night,” I added weakly, knowing how poor that sounded.

“QUIZ NIGHT! …Okay. What the hell, Sarah!”

I stared back at her, shrugged my shoulders, and pulled a face that saidwhat-ya-gonna-do?

Kensy looked at me furiously. I’d never seen her look like this. I mean, I’d seen her doing her stern teacher act when faced with boisterous kids, but this was something else. It was actually pretty intimidating. I wondered if she was about to punch me square in the face in sheer rage.

As I stared helplessly at her, she took a long sigh, preparing herself to say the next words.

“Sarah. Look. I can handle this. The school, Hicks, the teacher-parent evenings,quiz night. I fit here. This is my happy. But I’ve known you for five years now and I keep waiting - waiting and goddamnhoping- for the day that you finally tell me you’re leaving.”

I watched her, frowning.

“This,” and she signaled to the room we were in, “This is not where your story ends, Sarah, we both know it. You want more than this, you deserve more than this, and I know you know it,” she leaned in and eyeballed me, “Stop worrying about falling and go and fucking jump.”

Fuck. I didn’t like being told off. I also hated that Kensy might be right.

When I’d come back to Merryville, I didn’t know how I would ever move forward. Happiness and love was the last thing on my mind. It was justhow can I stop feeling so bloody miserable?And the only answer I could find that worked was to just turn it all off. To reject love. All those feelings and hopes. Those silly girlish dreams. It all got locked away.

I was so convinced that I didn’t deserve anything else that I just gave up and settled for the easy option, because it didn’t come packaged up with all that potential for being hurt again. I’d felt so weak and vulnerable that I couldn’teven face the idea of it. Then I simply forgot what else there was. It was just easier to be alone.

Kensy put her hand on mine and stared at me intensely. “I’m serious Sarah, you can’t pass this up. Do you really not want to find out?”

I looked back at her doubtfully, playing with the chocolaty crumbs on the plate in front of me.

“I mean,maybe?”

“Sarah, for the love of God! Go and get him!”

The violence of her words shook me up. Feelings in me that had been long buried were unceremoniously dug up and emerged from dark, hidden corners. For the first time in years, I felt the vague possibility of the chains loosening around my trapped heart. The person I’d once loved being, who was once so hopeful and excited for love, she was still there, waiting behind the mask I’d hidden her under.

It wouldn’t be all that easy, but letting myself feel free of the sadness and letting in some hope for just a moment, was a breath of fresh air. Of course, it also came loaded with the horrifying idea that the fresh air might just as easily be poisonous and deadly and choke me.

Kensy saw my expression change as the realization slowly dawned on me.

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