Page 25 of Gracefully Yours

He…What?

I gaped at him. “Like… A fake marriage?” I stared out the window at the view of downtown Portland, needing some time for my brain to process. The way he was talking about the rest of our lives, about being married to each other like some sort of transactional agreement made me take a pause.

After all this time, I thought that the stupid marriage pact we had made in college was nothing more than ajoke. Brought on by senioritis, or maybe desperation he’d had with his impending graduation. I hadn’t thought it was real.

Sure, no part of me wanted to admit to him that the idea of spending my last year in college without him had made me feel a little empty inside. Sure, I had my friends, and they were the best friends a girl could ask for, but something between him and I was… different. Maybe that was why I’d even agreed to it.

“I never thought…” It wasn’t like it was something we’d brought up in the ensuing years. I’d dated, and he’d dated, and we’d never spoken of it again. Until today.

He raised an eyebrow and his face grew determined. “I just want you to be happy. Plus, I can give you what you want.”

I wasn’t sure that was possible, because if he knewexactlywhat I wanted, there was no way he’d be making this outlandish proposal.

“What is that, exactly?”

“You want to have a baby, right? I’ll give you one.”

I spit out my water. A baby? With… Daniel? “How exactly would that work?”

He raised an eyebrow, leaning one arm on the table. “The normal way, I’d suppose.”

I swallowed another sip of water carefully, trying to prevent myself from spitting again. Or hyperventilating. Possibly both. “You… I… We can’t do that again.”

I should have assumed that would come with marriage, but that knowledge sent a whole other set of thoughts racing down my spine.

Delicious thoughtsthat I shouldn’t be thinking about at dinner with my best friend. Thoughts that I never let myself entertain, for this reason alone. The reason I’d pushed him away after Angelina’s wedding to begin with. It got too real, and it would never happen. He didn’t see me like that. This was just… convenience. Maybe if I told myself that enough, it would sink in.

“We already know we work well together. Hell, we spend most of our free time together, anyway. This wouldn’t be much different.” It had been that way since college. Even with his guy friends, he had hardly ever chosen to spend as much time with them as he did with me.

“Except… We’d be married. So it would be alotdifferent.”

He shot me a look, like he was telling me to be quiet. “We both want to have a family... It just makes sense.” His hand covered mine. “We can be each other’s family and start our own.”

Looking away, I swore my eyes could have bored holes into my dessert menu. That was how determinately I was staring at it.

Was it wrong to want cheesecake at a time like this?

“Charlotte,” he said, softly, barely more than a coaxing noise. “It makes sense.Wemake sense.”

“But we don’t…loveeach other.” The words caught in my throat.

He just looked at me. “Don’t we?”

“Not likethat.”Yeah, I loved him. Like you loved a best friend. The kind you’d shout “love you!” to from the car window as you pulled away. But I didn’t love him in that big, crazy way. Even if I’d lost myself in his body for one night, giving him the piece of me I’d always kept for someone special.

But that wasn’t love.

I’d always figured when I got married, it would be for love. I had always been waiting for that, hadn’t I? That love-you-so-much-it-hurts kind of love. All the passion and fire that came along with finding your soulmate. The crazy, blinding-love that burned through your veins. But maybe I was kidding myself to believe I’d ever find it. I was too quiet, too scared, and too terrified to put myself out there.

And maybe turning twenty-seven came with my expiration date for finding the love I wanted. We’d still love each other, yeah—like best friends did, because welovedeach other, but he wasn’tin lovewith me. I knew that much. He had never looked at me like I was the only woman he had ever seen in his entire life, and I knew what that looked like—I had seen it with my best friends.

For the past two years, I’d watched them all fall in love, one by one. I was so happy for them. They’d truly found the loves of their lives, the perfect book boyfriends, like all the ones I’d read about for years. I yearned for it so badly. Because I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted a husband, a white picket fence. A life together. But despite that, I was still always the one sitting at the end of the table—alone.

“Say yes,” he whispered, “I know this wouldn’t be a traditional marriage, that we’re doing things all wrong… but I don’t care. We can get married. You can have a baby.” He squeezed my hand.

“Can I… think about it?” Even the question made me wince. It was a lot to take in all at once.

“Of course you can.” Daniel’s firm squeeze to my hand, and the warm smile on his face, somehow both made me feel better instantly.

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