Page 56 of Judgments of Fire and Desire

“Yeah. Same here. Honestly, I felt like something was going on with him, but I would have never thought it was something like this. I thought he was depressed or something.”

Samuel had a bout with depression a few years ago when he was first trying to get on the force. The academy had turned him inside out, making him feel inadequate and unworthy. So for him to do this, as badly as he wanted to be on the force, had me thoroughly confused. We stood from the couch and headed out to my car as my phone rang.

I didn’t want to speak to anyone other than Samuel and my grandmother right now. I’d already talked to Kyrie while en route to my mother’s house, so I knew it wasn’t him. I didn’twant to hear a word from anyone, especially not the media. Everyone employed by the city and the county police force, along with firefighters, knew he was my brother. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone ratted him out, instead of the evidence Detective Johnson claimed to have had.

Bransford came to mind when I thought about how quickly his attitude changed. If he did, there would be nothing I could do about it, especially if Samuel was actually guilty of those crimes. I believed that hewasguilty simply because he was avoiding our mom and me. He knew how important communication was to us. We always wanted to know that he was okay… that he was maintaining. Plus, the last conversation we had came to mind.I love you… always remember that.

I slowly shook my head as I got in the driver’s seat. Being that Samuel had depression issues, I could only pray that he wouldn’t take the same route Darlene Doll took. Once my mama got in, I quickly backed out of her driveway as tears streamed down my cheeks. My phone started ringing again, and I rolled my eyes. I grabbed it from the console, where I’d thrown it when I got in the car, and silenced it. The screen adorned a number that wasn’t programmed in my phone, so I surely wasn’t in a hurry to answer it.

Throwing it back to the console, I focused on getting us to my grandmother’s house in one piece. The ride was quiet, neither of us offering any words of consolation. I had to assume that, like me, my mama didn’t have any. Thankfully, my grandmother didn’t live too far away from my mother’s house. I noticed my grandmother’s car was outside. That was a telltale sign that something was up. The last time her car was outside, Kyrie was staying there.

We quickly got out of my car and practically ran to the door. I knocked then rang the doorbell, feeling extremely impatient. Apparently, she wasn’t moving fast enough for my mother,because she started knocking on the door as well. Sensing her urgency, I started ringing the bell repeatedly. My grandmother flung the door open with a frown on her face. However, when she saw us, her frown lifted into an expression of surprise.

“What’s going on? Why are y’all knocking and ringing my doorbell like that? Did something happen?” she asked, firing off questions one after the next.

We both walked inside her house without an invite and saw Samuel sitting on the couch. He looked disgusted, as he should be. “Samuel…” my mama said, then immediately started crying all over again.

I was trying to channel my feelings of hurt versus those of anger when I sat next to him. I glanced at my grandmother as she stood there looking as pitiful as he did. “Samuel, I only have one question.”

He looked at me as I grabbed his hand. “Why?”

He swallowed hard, again lowering his head. My grandmother sat across from us, and she said, “He’s never been able to live up to your standards.”

I frowned and turned to her. “No disrespect, but I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to Samuel. I want to hear what he has to say.”

Why was I the one getting all the blame?What expectations?I only wanted Samuel to do what was right, be a grown ass man, and be able to sustain himself. That was what was referred to as adulting. How was that too much to ask of a grown man? My grandmother stood from her seat. “You said ‘no disrespect,’ but that was very disrespectful, Chief Farris.”

“But it was very truthful. Samuel is an adult who can speak for himself. I want to hear his reasoning from him.”

I wanted to roll my eyes at her, but I was able to restrain myself. When I turned back to him, he said, “I felt the pressure of being successful. That wasn’t your fault, Gen. You and Mamabragged on how good of a man Dad was all the time. I just wanted to live up to those standards. Because you went to the fire academy, I decided to go to the police academy. Dad was a first responder, and I wanted to be like the man y’all admired so much. I probably would have done better learning a trade.”

I frowned slightly. He said it wasn’t my fault, but his explanation almost made it seem like he was blaming us for expressing how great Dad was. That couldn’t be further from the truth though. I barely remembered Dad. I had just turned four when he died. “I’m confused, Sam. I couldn’t brag on Dad to that extent because I barely remember him. I only know what I was told about his personality.”

“I know. It’s not an excuse. I’m just explaining the self-imposed pressure I was under. I just wanted to be great, following in his footsteps of service. I obviously wasn’t cut out for it. I was about to be fired. However, I walked in on some things I shouldn’t have seen and heard some things I shouldn’t have heard. I told them to either cut me in and preserve my job, or I was gon’ sing like a canary.”

“How long ago was that? And who is ‘them’?”

“That was a couple of years ago, and you know I can’t tell you who.”

“There is a warrant out for your arrest, Sam. They are going to want names. I’m more than sure they will offer you a deal for them. You are going to have to turn yourself in. This is probably the next place they will look after going to your place.”

“I’ll be here when they get here then. I’m not turning myself in. That makes me look guilty.”

“No, it doesn’t!” my mama interjected. “It makes you look innocent! It makes it look like you’re willing to cooperate with them to get this confusion resolved.”

I was trying not to yell at him, but he was taking me there, too, so I was glad she did it and not me. He would have assumedI was just saying that because I worked for the city. He probably would have accused me of working with the “opps.” Had he done that, I would have slapped the piss out of him. My brother was an idiot. Who didn’t know that turning yourself in was a good thing?

He glanced at my mama and lowered his head. I had never heard her really yell at him as an adult. If anything, she typically made excuses for him, like she’d initially done and how my grandmother had done. When she turned her attention to my grandmother, I braced for what she would say. The look on her face made me nervous. I’d never witnessed a serious argument between the two of them, but I felt like that time was coming now.

“Mama, are you involved in all of this?”

Oh, damn.I didn’t expect her to ask that question. I was expecting something along the lines of why she didn’t tell us or something close to that.

“Why would you think I was involved in this?”

“I mean, you didn’t bother telling me that my son had some issues at work. I’m his mother. I should have known.”

My grandmother frowned. “What makes you think I knew?”

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