Page 72 of Honey Pot

“I don’t know… You know her better than anyone, and you and Mama—”

I watched him flinch at the mention of her.

“—You guys were in love for so long,” I said.

I didn’t remember a time when they weren’t in love. They knew each other better than I’ve ever seen two people know. Sure, they fought, but they were never real fights. They were over which flowers to plant, or what movie to watch. I swear they fought for fun. Even when Dad was being an ass, Mama always had a way of making him smile.

“Whatever you think you have with Clementine,” he said, “it’s nothing close to that. When did you revert back to being that stupid kid chasing tail?”

“Chasing tail?” I huffed. “It’s Clem…”

“Exactly. You’ve got yourself in knots over the same girl that ignored you just like she did all those years ago. Doing everything you can to get her attentionwhen she just doesn’t care, Son. You will always be her past and letting her define your future based on foolish childhood memories is going to leave you right back where you started.” Dad spoke slowly, with no malice in his voice, but it stung all the same.

He looked away for a moment, pressing his hands flat to his desk, before meeting my eyes again. “You have a career to think about, Cael.”

“You’re more worried about my career than I am.” I shook my head.

“I noticed.” His voice was tight when he spoke and, for a second, I thought he might be willing to help me figure this all out. “If not your career, focus on your recovery. What happens when she leaves and it…”

He was worried that I would sink back into that version of myself. Understandably so; that little monster inside me tore apart the Hornets from the inside out, and the lid on Pandora's box was taped closed at best, ready to explode at any second.

“All that work.” He shook his head at me, and his brows came together. “When she leaves…”

“Stop saying when.” I cut him off. “Ifshe leaves.”

“What’s stopping her?” Dad snapped finally, his big, scary, father voice coming out.

“Love, I don’t know—me?” I shrugged.

“Love isn’t a superpower, Cael. It can’t solve problems, it doesn’t prevent bad things from happening.”Or people getting sick, his green eyes blazed with unsaid words. “And you’re just an out-of-control kid without any clue of what you want to do with your life. Get your head out of your ass.” He rose from his seat in a display of dominance.

I stared at him, trying to figure out his motives, but coming up with nothing as he rounded the desk into my space. Stepping back and swallowing tightly, I tried to hold on to my feelings, tried to rein them in so as not to give him what he wanted.

A Cael Cody blow-up.

It would only prove his point, no matter how badly I wanted to right now.

“For a man that only ever knew the brightest love, you sure are a skeptical fucking asshole.” I laughed, but it was hollow and angry. “I’m stronger than you want to give me credit for. I’m healing, I’m recovering. No thanks to you!”

“All it takes is one slip.” Dad raised his finger in the air. “One wrong path, one bad decision, and you’re right back where you started.”

“Right back where you left me.”

He closed his eyes and, for a moment, I was grateful to have a second without his dark green stare boring down on me. I could feel how angry he was, it radiated off him in waves, but I meant it, and there was no taking it back.

“You said once thatyou wished it was me.” I watched as he looked up at me, readying himself for the blow. “I’ve tried to give you that more than once, maybe in a sick attempt just to get your attention, but it never worked. It only ever hurts the people that actually give a shit about me. I wish I believed that you cared about my recovery, but you only love me when I’m measuring up to your standards.”

“I’m not a bad dad, Cael.” He cut me off.

“No, you never hit me or ran me into the ground with abuse, but you were never a good dad. You gave all your love to Mama, and she did her best to pass it on to me, but she died, and she took every little piece you had left with her. And that’s fine. I understand your grief, Dad, but don’t act like I’m the only problem between us. What I did, who I was, and who I am now is because I feel everything. Who you are is because you just don’t give a shit anymore.”

“Cael…” He sighed.

“And maybe feeling too much all the time is a curse, but at least it’s better than building up my own personal purgatory and rotting away inside of it.” I opened my arms wide and pointed around at the chaotic office, piled boxes, old blankets, and duffle bags stuffed with clothes. “You may have shut it off, Dad, but it doesn’t mean I have. I’m sorry you don’t understand why I love Clementine. I’ll take solace in the idea that there was a time, a version of you, that would have. That version who sat in our living room on the weekends teaching Clementine every facet of baseball because I couldn’t stand being the reason you didn’t play anymore. That’s why she’s here. It’s not just for me. I wasn’t the only one who broke her heart that day. Even if it wasn’t my fault, you dragged ushere to chaseyourdream. The guise was never there for me. I knew you didn’t love me, not like you loved baseball, but Clem, she believed you loved us, she believed you had the dream. Me, Mama, baseball on Sundays with her. You are just as much to blame.”

“I warned you I wasn’t going to fight you today,” he huffed, but I could see the crack there underneath the surface. It ran deep. Maybe something I said had finally gotten through to him.

God, Mama, if there was ever a time to visit him in his sleep…

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