Page 123 of Honey Pot

I bit into my lip and stopped reading to stare upward until the tears dried out of the corners of my eyes. I fucking hated everything about the moment. I had lost Clementine that morning, and now I was sitting alone, about to lose Mama all over again too.

Pay attention, I know this is hard and I know you don’t want to read this.

If I know anything, you stopped the second you started and are contemplating folding up these words, shoving them in your pocket and never reading them. Somuch like your Dad and still refusing to acknowledge it. But don’t you dare ignore me, little boy. You read this letter, you ingrain what I have to say in your bones, and you carry it around for the rest of your life.

Never let the compassion that thrives in your tender heart die. Stoke the fire until it burns bright so that it can lead others out of the darkness. You are the sun, Cael. You are my sun. So fierce and loud that sometimes it may be too much for others to share the space with you. But that doesn’t mean they don’t love you, everyone needs a little darkness every once in a while and, as impossible as it seems, one day you will need the moon too. I need you to remember that. That there will come a day when all you crave is the blue haze of the night, and you’ll need to remind your Dad of his job.

You’re currently angry at him. But, Baby, you’ve never known how to be angry. Not really. Dig deeper, it’s something else.

I scoffed. I’m trying Mama.

And before you argue with the sky, lose the attitude. I’m not finished.

I laughed through the trickle of tears that coated my cheeks and lips.

You have every right to be angry, if that’s what it is. But… we both know it’s your grief tangled with guilt. That’s always what it is because you always think it’s your fault. But it’s not. Not this time.

Your father is mean, he’s grumpy, he’s overprotective about all the wrong things. He’s elusive and, to the untrained eye, he might seem cold and uninterested. But he is anything but. He has loved me his entire life, since the moment he saw me. I know because he told me so, every day since. Your father was the love of my life, and I was his since we were seventeen. He has changed over the years; he has hardened and grayed.

No one has ever known Ryan Cody the way I do.

Since the day you were born, everyone always said that you were your Mama’s boy. But they were wrong. From the day you looked up at me with those big blue eyes, given they are mine, you have been your father’s son. The one I know. He was funny and beautiful, his laughter made people smile, and his eyes were the greenest shade with flecks of gold that danced when he looked at me for too long.

Okay, Mama… I rolled my eyes.

I’mgushing, but you’ll read every word because if you don’t, I’ll come down there and haunt you, Honeybug. Your Dad was the kind of spirit that couldn’t be contained, he gave me every adventure even the ones I never asked for. He filled my heart and home with so much love he had nothing left to give. The problem never lied in how much he loved me, because no matter what troubles found us, we had each other. You are your father's son. Love and light.

It was my mistake. All the discourse between the two of you is my doing.

I’ve been sick since the day we fell in love. I knew that one day it would catch up to me, it was inevitable. It didn’t bother me as much as it bothered him. I had made my peace with the monster to come but to help him cope I used to tell your father that it was his love that kept me healthy. That there was no room in my heart for sickness because of the way he loved me.

It’s true that after I had you, the illness returned. My immune system was compromised and my body drained. I do not for a moment regret bringing you into this world, my sweet boy, so if there is a shred of doubt in your mind that I did, please know it’s not true.

But you must understand your father is the way he is. It’s not that he’s cold or uninterested, Cael. He’s tired and he is suffocated by his own guilt of loving you more than he ever loved me.

I choked out a sob that hit me like a moving truck and knocked the air from my lungs.

He believes that because he loves you more, he left gaps inside of me that allowed the sickness to return. But that’s silly. I’m sick because of science and the cruel reality of life. He avoided me and you because he thinks that he failed us. That he failed me.

He doesn’t know what’s inside of this letter and, if I know your father, he waited years to give it to you like the stubborn jackass he is. But I also know that he never opened it because it was between you and me. And, right now, it may feel silly or frivolous because I am clearly long gone, but if you’re still with me, I need you to do something for me.

“I’m always right here, Mama.”

“I need you to find your Dad, and I need you to show him that it’s okay to love you. That he doesn’t have to feel guilty for doing so because Ibrought you into this world for each other.” Her voice washed over me like she was standing in front of me with both her warm hands around my face and our heads pressed together. “You have to show him, Honeybug.”

The sun and moon cannot survive without each other, Cael. I am simply just the stars between the two of you.

MATTHEWS

There was a knock on the door of the Nest as I shoved the rest of my clothes into my suitcase for the airport. I’d have the rest of my equipment shipped back.

“Clementine.” Ryan’s voice made me pause, and I turned to find him standing in a sweater and jeans in the door frame.

“What can I do for you, Mr. Cody?” I asked him, turning completely and crossing my arms over my chest.

Even seeing him made my heart hurt. I’d missed Cael the second I crawled from bed, my heart screaming at me as I got dressed and let Ella drive me back into the city.

Ryan had the same boy-next-door features. The curved jaw, sloped nose, high cheekbones, and big, bright eyes. I used to swoon over the photos in Mrs. Cody’s living room of Ryan when he was young, but now, remembering those and having him standing here, I couldn’t breathe.

---