Page 118 of Honey Pot

It was moments of breathless panting and soft, purposeful moans before both of us came together and fell into a tangle of sweaty skin and heaving chests. With my head dizzy, I never wanted this moment to end. The moment I pressed my head against his chest and heard the sound of his beautiful, big heart, I knew he was right. His heart would forever be my home. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but my head was still too conflicted to let me try.

“You’ll have an extraordinary life, Clementine,” Cael whispered against my hair after he thought I’d fallen asleep.

CODY

“Are you okay?” Josh’s groggy voice echoed through the phone pressed to my face.

“I don’t know,” I answered him honestly, because what else was there to do or say?

Clem had left that morning and, for a moment there, I thought she might stay, that she’d figure it out in her sleep but she had slipped away without even waking me. Part of me knows the reason. It’s the exact same reason why I had snuck away that first night, because saying goodbye hurt. It hurt like having your heart ripped from your chest, still beating, and watching the one person you trust with it walk away from you.

It made it impossible to breathe.

Hard to think.

I came out here because I didn’t want to do any of that, but my head was spinning and my fingers had grown itchy with the need to stop feeling it all. My phone burned in my pocket and, in a haze, I had dialed his number.

“It’s five am, Cody,” he said with an exhausted groan. After a long beat, a few grumbled swears and him shifting in his bed on the other end of the phone he said, “She left didn’t she?”

“Yeah.” My eyes stung.

Josh sighed. “Alright, listen. We both knew this day was coming and there’s not anything I’m going to say that’s going to make you feel better. But we both know exactly what you’re thinking about, and it won’t make you feel better in the long run.”Drugs.He didn’t say it but the implications were there. It’s why I’d called him in the first place.

I gripped the phone tighter.

“I know you’re overwhelmed right now and the easiest thing to do is to find a source that will dull all those feelings wreaking havoc on you, but I want you to sit in the feelings,” he said. “It’s time you start feeling that shit because if you can’t you’re always going to turn back to the drugs.”

“I called you, didn’t I?” I said through gritted teeth.

“This time,” Josh noted. “How close were you to calling someone else, someone who might be nicer to you for a couple of bucks.”

I had called an old dealer and hung up.

“Don’t bullshit me, Cody, feel it. Let it consume you just like you do with drugs,” Josh said.

“I don’t want to feel it,” I groaned.

“I don’t give a shit what you want, you called me before the sun came up and you’re whining in my ear about your long-lost ex-girlfriend leaving you. So guess what, I’m now your problem. You’re a time bomb, Cael,” he snapped. “Let it out.”

I closed my eyes and let the feelings rise in my chest. The agony of grief, guilt, and shame drowning out the rough beating of my heart and the painful constriction of my lungs. It pushed through my nervous system and flooded my veins until all I could feel was the overwhelming need to scream and cry.

It felt like drowning and flying all at once. The breeze was beneath my feet, but the water in my lungs burned. I tried to catch my breath, but relief never came. My skin itched, and my collar was too tight around my throat, but I was feeling it all.

I wanted my Mama back.

I needed my Clementine.

I hated my Dad.

I hated myself even more.

A hiccup exploded from me, tearing a sob from my chest, and it was only then that I realized I was wailing. It cascaded out of me in waves, my head throbbed, and my T-shirt became soaked as the sun rose over the lake.Mama.The sun-kissed my cheeks, and the breeze blew through the lavender, knockingpetals around in the air. I could feel her fingertips against my cheek like she was standing there, telling me to feel it all.

“You look pretty today Mama,” I cooed and closed the door behind me as Van left to get dinner started. “How are you feeling?” I sunk down into the chair beside her bed.

“Like I’m dying, handsome,” she cooed, her accent still as thick as the day we left Texas.

I smiled at her joke even though it felt like a horse had kicked me in the chest.

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