Page 9 of Hate Notes

"Your camo nips are awesome," Kora said. "I've seen them, and let me tell you, they are great. Lets your boobs do all the talking without two distracting blobs stealing the show."

“Mhm,” I said around a mouthful of icecream.

"At least you're not cursed with pepperoni nips like my cousin Janet."

"I don't want to know how you know about Janet's nipples."

"Family beach trip," Kora said with a shudder. "Some things you can't unsee."

I snorted ice cream up my nose, which was exactly as pleasant as it sounds. "Anyway," I said, wiping my face, "exactly zero percent of me wants back with Cole. I just... I wouldn't mind if he regretted dumping me for whats-her-name, but that's purely speaking from a place of spite. I'd rather eat a toenail than get back with him. There's wanting revenge on your ex because you secretly want him back, and then there's wanting revenge because you realized he's a piece of dick who deserves to get kicked in his metaphorical, human-sized dick nuts."

Kora raised an eyebrow at that, then shrugged. "The other option is you lawyer up on his ass. I'm pretty sure him asking you to do this infiltration bullshit breaks some kind of law. Probably several of them. They could put a wire on you, and boom. He's busted."

"Sure. I'll just hire lawyers with all the money I don't have. The plan is brilliant. Maybe they'll accept monopoly money? An IOU written in crayon? Look at my beautiful apartment if you really think I have money stashed away somewhere."

Kora didn't even have to move her head to look at my whole apartment. You could see the kitchen from my bed and everything else in the 132-square-foot studio apartment. The only thing you couldn't see was the bathroom. Yay for scraps of privacy.

"What about the police?" Kora asked.

"One, that's so lame. Two, I don't have the time to deal with it. If I'm getting fired by Cole soon, I need to make sure I've got another job lined up."

"So... What are you suggesting?" Kora asked.

"I’ve been schemingall afternoon and I think I’ve got the perfect plan. I'm going to get hired by this Mr. Foster guy like Cole wants. I'll even let Cole believe I'm planning to sabotage his rival. But in reality, I’m just seeing how long I can collect two salaries before Cole figures out what’s going on. Imagine his face when he finds out I duped him."

Kora smiled and clapped her hands. "Yesss. It's wicked. I love it. So you're just milking Cole's money while you get your foot in the door at your next job. He'll be so pissed when he finds out."

I smiled around a mouthful of ice cream, then paused and looked down at my pudgy belly. Hmm. I guess I was less of a "hit the gym and get the perfect beach bod" kind of ex and more of a "let's destroy his soul with my diabolical schemes" type. But my brilliant plan was way cooler than just getting a great body. Anybody could do that! In theory...

"So," Kora said, eyes narrowed. "How will you get a job working for Foster Real Estate? Isn't the boss kind of notoriously dickish?"

"Another dickish boss," I said thoughtfully. "Thankfully, I've already got experience handling dicks."

Kora burst out laughing as she raised two fists, pumped them in the air, and opened her mouth like she was really going at it.

"That's not what I meant at all," I sputtered.

"Hold on, they're almost done," she said, continuing to pump while making obscene slurping sounds.

I tossed a pillow at her as she fell back, accepting a phantom money-shot on her chest, which she pressed together to make a bigger target.

"You're ridiculous," I said, trying not to laugh. “Anyway, asshole bosses are all the same on the inside. Deep down, all they care about is obedience. They want fear, respect, submission, or a combination of all three. The real secret is not giving them any of it."

"Ohh," Kora said with a wiggle of her brows. "She's spitting wisdom, now."

"So," I continued, leaning forward. "You get your foot in the door, and then you drive them crazy by resisting. You show them you won't bend, break, or even tilt. It pisses them off, and they will put you in more and more important positions of responsibility. They'll think the weight of it will make you crack. But you just keep on resisting."

"What happens if you are the one who cracks?"

“They will crack first. Think about it,” I said, tapping my temple. “They call them assholes for a reason, right?" I asked. "Every asshole is hiding behind a massive crack. All you have to do is dig into it... to..." I trailed off, realizing the metaphor was both gross and not exactly applicable. My lips scrunched as I held back a smile.

"That's either some fortune cookie shit, or the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

"Thank you," I said, smiling around my spoon as I shoveled another bite into my mouth.

From his perch on the couch, Catman gave me his signature one-eyed look of judgment.

"What?" I asked him. "You got a better plan?"