Page 76 of Echoes of Us

“Just don’t be here when I wake up.”

“Whatever you need.”

I unwrapped myself from him.

He looked up at me, his expression open. “Can I use your bathroom real quick?” he asked. He made a beeline towards it after I nodded.

I locked the room door and sat on the bed, burying my face in my hands. What was I doing? The tap opened and closed in the bathroom. The loud music thumped outside, competing with the pounding in my chest.

He stepped out, and our eyes met again. He sat beside me. I glanced at him from the corner of my eye, noting the slight upturn of his lips and the faint stubble over his jaw. Was I ever going to stop wanting him this much? I kicked off my shoes and pushed back on the bed. He followed suit, resting his shoulder beside mine.

“If this is too uncomfortable?—”

“This isn’t uncomfortable,” he said quickly before I finished.

I turned on my side to look at him, and he did the same. There wasn’t one thing I didn’t like about his face. I let my eyes roam over it, trying to lock it all in and bury it inside me. Just a little more. He kept looking into my eyes, not moving, waiting. It was so unlike him, another thing that had changedwithout me. I looked down his jaw to the opening of his shirt, the little gold chain shining in the dimness of the room. I reached my hand to it, and Noah flinched before relaxing into the touch. I let my finger feel its texture, running down its ridges. I was used to feeling it with my lips, the cold metal against the skin of my chest when he leaned down to kiss me. I pressed my palm on his neck, feeling his skin and closing my eyes. I touched my forehead back to his and he exhaled again.

I just needed to lock him in, drink all of this one more time, and then I could let him go. I ran my hand down his back, and he moved closer. It was effortless, as it always had been, bringing us together. He held himself back, still waiting for me, letting me lead whatever was happening.

“You don’t have to do that,” I told him, meeting his eyes again. They moved quickly over mine.

“What?”

“Stay still,” I said.

He exhaled. His hand moved to my waist, hesitating before edging closer. He touched the skin on my arm, his hand moving under my shirt on my shoulder so softly. I wanted to feel his skin too. My hand kept moving downwards on his back until I felt his belt. I pushed his shirt aside and felt his back on the way up. I thought I had his body memorized, his shape implanted in some dark corner of my brain, but he felt different. I was used to Noah’s sharp edges, feeling his bones under his soft skin, and now I felt muscles on his back that hadn’t been there before. I kept tracing their shape with my hand, trying to save all these new things with the old.

Noah’s shoulder raised almost imperceptibly, but there it was, the most obvious sign he had to show me he liked what I was doing. I leaned down, moving my face to the curve of his neck, letting my nose touch him. His chest moved as he inhaled deeply. He moved closer still, his leg moving overmine in a gesture so familiar it made my heart ache again. I rubbed my face on his neck and closed my lips over the juncture where his chain lay. How many times had I felt this against my lips? He made a quiet sound, and I tightened my grasp on his back. I kissed his neck again. One more time.

“I need to let you go, Noah,” I whispered against his warm skin.

“I know.” His voice broke.

I moved away to look at him again. His eyes were red this time, and I could see the slight tremble on his lip before he ran his tongue over it. That, too, was so familiar. He let his tongue slide over his lip, barely peeking out before he bit down and then let it go, leaving it looking wet. I had that memorized. It haunted me, thinking about how much I wanted to chase his tongue into his mouth.

“I know you do,” he said again.

“Please let me let you go,” I asked him.

He closed his eyes, leaning closer and kissing my cheek. “I’m so sorry,” he said again.

I touched his cheek and felt it wet against my fingertips. I shut my eyes, trying to curb my emotions.

“I’m so sorry.” He sniffled, trying to be quiet.

“I’m sorry too.” My heart was breaking again. I wrapped my arms around Noah and drew him closer to my chest, almost like I could force him to become a part of me if I tried hard enough. “I really wish I hated you, Noah. You don’t know how much I want to,” I told him and felt his shoulders trembling. “I don’t want to love you anymore,” I breathed.

His hand tightened, holding my shoulder. “It’s okay.” He sniffled again. “You can let me go. It’s okay,” he said, but I heard him trying to quiet the sounds of his crying.

We held each other tightly for a while. I was sure I wouldn’t be able to sleep with him this close, but his warmth lulled me to sleep just like he always had. He didn’t move an inch from me, and I thought I had forgotten how to sleep withthis closeness, but when I opened my eyes again, it was quiet, and the sun was peeking through the window.

I looked at the space before me. I was startled by the sound of the bathroom door opening slowly. He was still here. I let my eyelids drop and pretended to be asleep. He approached quietly and waited before leaning down and kissing my cheek.

“I love you, Atty,” he whispered.

My chest twisted painfully.

“Goodbye.” He kissed my cheek softly again before leaving.

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