Page 29 of Echoes of Us

“I think I’m going to cancel tonight.”

“No,” they both said, pained.

“Yeah, I can’t go like this. It’s not fair.” I had a date with a guy I’d been seeing. I had tried to date after Noah, and this was the first time I managed to go past the first one. We had gone out successfully three times now. It seemed promising. Now, seeing Noah, I knew it was a lost cause.

“But you’ll reschedule?” Ezra asked hopefully.

“I know it probably doesn’t make much sense, how hard this has been for me. I know I should be over it by now. I hate that I can’t move past him. I really wish I could. It’s not okay for me to go out and pretend like this didn’t change everything. Again,” I tried to explain, feeling the weight of my emotions press down on me.

“It changed everything? As in, you want to get back together with him?” Ezra asked, looking scandalized.

“No, not at all. I’m not even considering it. I meant it brought everything back up.”

He nodded, unconvinced. He gave Colin a look, and it was like going back in time. Ezra freaked out about my relationship with Noah and Colin trying to walk us through it.

“What did it bring up?” Colin asked.

I sighed again. “If he came here to explain why he did it, I’m not sure I would want to know. You guys only saw the tip of the iceberg with us. Being in that apartment with Noah was like living on another planet, and seeing him again is like being back there. I think Noah turned me into his drug. He wouldn’t let me leave. I barely made it to classes or training. It was just months of this incredibly intense relationship, and even though I can see how messed up it was, I was happy. Even through those god-awful weeks with the fights, I was so happy to be with him. And then he left,” I told them. “I’m pretty sure that’s what he wants to say to me. That he neededto quit me too. I just don’t want to hear it,” I finished. The heartbreak was threatening to come back, and I breathed out, keeping it at bay.

I could still remember so vividly how tightly he held on to me, how he begged me not to leave, how hard it was to do it. How much I wanted just to tell the world to fuck off and drown with him. He turned into a drug for me too. I was addicted to him. His touch, his voice, the way he made me feel like I was the center of his universe—it was intoxicating.

The withdrawal had always been unbearable.

CHAPTER

SEVEN

BEFORE

Ithought he was going to pull a disappearing act again. It seemed like the next logical step in what I had learned from him so far. But there he was, showing up for training, smiling brightly at me like nothing had happened. As if we could forget everything. After it was over, he even hung out with us. We went to Colin and Ezra’s apartment, had a few beers, and ordered food. He ate and didn’t smoke. I didn’t know if our talk had helped or if he was just trying, but it seemed like he was.

We started spending more time together too. He came over to play video games, and even though he still smoked sometimes, he didn’t overdo it. He also kept his distance from me. That part I wasn’t necessarily thrilled about. He was still his normal touchy Noah self, but not as close as before.

I missed his thigh pressing against mine when he sat too close, his hand on my back or shoulders, or even in my hair like that one time. Now, it was just him touching me to grabmy attention or playfully shoving me when he made fun of something I said.

Sometimes, he catch me looking at him for too long and would smile but not comment on it. He just returned to what he was doing, the smile still playing on his lips.

I knew he still went out. I’d run into him and Holly at parties, but he didn’t look quite as out of it, at least not when I saw him. I went back to his apartment several times and seeing it so empty was always weird. Coming there gave me a twisted feeling in my gut. Nothing decorated it. There was nothing you could identify as Noah’s besides his clothes and weed. It was also generally messy. Every time I went, I felt the need to tidy up after him.

We were in his apartment when his mom called. Noah’s voice cut through the music in the background, the constant soundtrack I had gotten used to around him.

Noah sighed and grabbed his hair, shaking his head. The evening light filtered through the window, casting a soft glow on his features. He looked vulnerable, so different from his usual confident self.

“What’s wrong?” I asked Holly.

She glanced down at her phone and then at Noah.

“Who is he talking to?”

“His mom.”

She rolled her eyes. “Then that’s what’s wrong.”

She pushed off the couch.

He walked out to the terrace barefoot and started to raise his voice. The cool evening breeze ruffled his hair, as he hung up the phone and made a frustrated sound. I walked over and knocked softly on the window to let him know I was there. He rubbed his face in his hands and looked back at me.

“Hey,” I called.

---