Page 166 of Echoes of Us

Noah started looking panicked. “Atty, I’m not using,” he insisted, trying to reach for me.

“No? Are you sure about that? Have you been taking your pills?”

“Yes, I have.” The same expression on his face, unmoving. I couldn’t tell them apart.

“You’re lying, Noah. I’ve been counting your pills. You haven’t taken them.”

He paled. “You’ve been counting my pills?” he asked, looking at me like I was insane.

“What was I supposed to do? You’re not being honest. You’re lying about all of it.” I didn’t know where to look. The only option left was searching him.

“That doesn’t give you the right to go through my things,” he argued.

“Yes, it fucking does. You lost the right to your privacy when you started lying to me.” I knew I was raising my voice. I couldn’t calm down. I had reached my limit.

“Are you listening to yourself? I’ve told you over and over again I’m not using, and you refuse to believe me, even though you have no fucking proof. What do you want to do now, Atty? Are you going to start following me around? Monitoring my calls and my texts?” He raised his voice right back.

“It doesn’t look like I’ll have to. You didn’t answer me, Noah. Are you getting help, or are we done?”

“I’m not fucking using?—”

I pushed him against the wall. Noah’s face changed from anger to panic.

“No proof, Noah? Noproof? Look at this fucking place. It’s right back to how it used to be. You’ve had a cold for the past week, you’re not eating, you’re not sleeping. How much of an idiot do you think I am?” I asked, seething.

Noah’s eyes were impossibly wide.

“You promised you were going to take this seriously. You promised you were going to stop, and I told you, Noah. I fucking told you if you did this again, I’d break up with you. I’m not going to stay here and watch you kill yourself. Do you hear me? I’m not fucking doing it.” I pressed him back against the wall.

Noah pushed me back, his hand firm on my shoulders. “You’ve lost it.”

“And why do you think that is? Huh? Do you think maybe it has something to do with you treating me like shit, lying to me, flirting with other people, and then telling me you love me? You’re probably lying about that too,” I yelled at him, and that hit a nerve.

It was like watching a switch flip. All his defiance melted away and turned into regret.

“Of course, I’m not lying about that, Atty. How can you even think that?” His hands stilled on my shoulders, but now, instead of a shove, his fingers dug into my skin.

“What am I supposed to think? If you’re using again, then you can’t love me, right? If you want to break up with me, that’s what you want.”

“No, that’s not what I want. I’m not using.” He reached for my face.

I let go of him and pushed his hands off me. “Stop lying,” I begged him. I dropped my hands on his shoulders and leaned my forehead on the wall behind him, closing my eyes.

“I’m not lying,” he insisted. “Atty, I love you. Don’t ever think that. I’m not lying.” His hands were on my neck, trying to get me closer to him.

“Everyone was right about this. I can’t handle you, Noah.”

He fell quiet. I felt utterly defeated.

“I don’t know where you went. I keep waiting for you to come back, but you won’t. I never thought loving you could hurt this much. I can’t do it. I can’t keep doing this.” I couldn’t hold it this time. My eyes were burning. I blinked,feeling the wet trail of tears down my face. “I can’t keep doing this. Loving you hurts too fucking much.”

“Please let me make this right,” he whispered.

My chest hurt worse than ever. It was the same pain these fights always caused me, but this time it was a million times worse. This pain I had only ever felt in regard to Noah. I knew what it was now—it was heartbreak.

“I wish I never met you,” I said.

His hands tightened in my shirt. “I can make it right.”

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