Page 136 of Echoes of Us

“One! Last Friday, that guy. I didn’t even do it because I wanted to. I did it to get you out of my fucking head! It didn’t work, and now you’re here giving me shit for it? After who knows how many people you’ve had sex with…probably the day after you left me, if not sooner.”

He didn’t look mad anymore. “Atty.” He tried stepping closer.

“You think I’m confusing? You turned me into this, Noah. This is your fault. You made me fall in love with you, made me need you to breathe, made me feel safe and loved and needed, and then you left me. We had plans. You always talked about the future, about us. You pulled the rug from under me. You threw me away like I was nothing to you and didn’t say anything—not just when you left, but for two fucking years. You couldn’t pick up the phone to tell me what I did wrong to make you leave me.” My heart was aching.

“Atty,” he tried again, holding his hands up.

“No. Tell me, Noah, why didn’t you come sooner? Why did you wait this long?” I demanded, my voice raw.

“I couldn’t.”

“That’s bullshit, Noah.”

“It’s not,” he insisted, his voice weak.

“Why the fuck did you wait this long to come back and screw with me this way? What did I do to you that you feel the need to torture me like this?”

“I’m not torturing you.”

“No? What the hell do you call this? Making me love you,leaving, getting over you, and then coming back and trying to get back together with me. So what? You can change your mind and leave again in two weeks? I’m such a fucking idiot getting sucked into this again. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking kissing you and talking to you again. I can’t deal with you,” I retorted, my anger spent, leaving only pain.

“I’m sorry, you’re right. I have no right getting mad at you for it.”

“Don’t do that.”

“What?” The confusion was clear in his eyes.

“Tell me what I want to hear. I hate it when you do that. You don’t mean it; you just want to get out of a fight.”

“No, that’s not what I’m doing at all. I mean it. I’m sorry. I let my jealousy get the best of me, and it’s not fair to you. I’m not lying,” Noah said quickly.

“I don’t trust you,” I snapped, watching his face fall. “I can’t tell when you’re lying to me. I don’t want to keep fighting with you. I fucking hate this.” I sat on the bench again.

Noah followed me. His hand found its way to my arm, and I pulled away.

“Atty, listen to me.”

“I’m done listening to you, Noah. It’s too late. You fucked up, and it’s too late.”

His hands touched my face, and he tried to get me to look at him, but I held back. “I didn’t leave because I didn’t love you anymore. I’ve told you that. I know I didn’t do it right. I should have told you and talked to you. Ineededto leave, Atty. It was too much for both of us, making things worse for me. I was always letting you down and couldn’t handle it. I didn’t want to keep hurting you, but I didn’t stop loving you. You didn’t do anything wrong, Atty. I was the one who fucked up.” Noah leaned his forehead on the side of my face, his breath warm against my skin.

I closed my eyes. “You’re hurting me right now.”

He sighed, and his lips pressed gently on my cheek.

Damn it.

“I’m so sorry. I know I have no right to ask anything from you, but I love you, Atty, and I know you still want me too. We both still want this, and I’m not saying we have to go back to where we left off. I want to prove to you that I’ve changed.” His voice was unsteady, his words tumbling over each other. He kissed my cheek again, and I could melt into his warmth. It would be so easy to give in to this.

“No, I’m not putting myself through this again.”

“We can go slow this time, for real. I can wait, and I’ll show you. I’m different. This is different.” He kept kissing my cheek, moving slowly towards my lips, his hands insistent on me.

I grabbed his wrist and tried to pull him off me. “This isn’t different. You’re doing the same thing,” I said weakly.

His kiss landed on the side of my lips.

“Please give me a chance to show you. Please,” he pleaded.

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