Page 109 of Echoes of Us

“You did. It was graphic,” Colin informed him. “I’mhaving a chaser beer. Who wants one? Att?” he asked me, pulling a couple out of the mini fridge next to him.

“I’m good, thanks.” My mind drifted. I ran my hands through my hair and thought about Noah. I felt like I was back at square one, missing him and his proximity. The ache in my chest was as persistent as ever. “I did something stupid last night.”

Colin laughed under his breath. “Yeah, we know. We saw you kiss Chase. I think everyone did.”

I shook my head, looking at them again, my expression serious. “It’s worse than that.”

The smiles dropped from their faces.

“No,” Ezra said ominously.

I felt a fresh wave of guilt. “I kissed Noah,” I admitted.

Ezra’s mouth dropped open. Colin’s blue eyes went wide, his eyebrows furrowing in concern.

I sighed, looking down at my lap. “You were both right, it seems. I can’t be around him and not go into this automatically.” I leaned my elbows on my knees and placed my face in my hands again.

“That’s why you left,” Colin said.

“I ran away.” I lowered my hands again. “And it was me. I can’t even blame Noah. I’m the one who went to talk to him. I’m the one who kissed him. I don’t know how to stay away from him. I don’t know what to do.”

“What did you talk about?” Ezra asked.

I leaned back in the chair, staring at the ceiling. “About him quitting drugs, going to rehab after we broke up.”

Colin tensed at my words. “What?”

He drank his beer. Ezra gave him a puzzled side glance too.

“Nothing. What else?” Colin asked.

“He asked me if I wanted to see him. All the smiles confused everything again. It’s both of us. We don’t know how to stay away from each other.”

“Do you want to get back together?” Colin asked.

Ezra had his arms crossed over his chest. His face was drawn and serious.

“I can’t go through that again. I haven’t forgiven him, not entirely.”

Colin’s expression was thoughtful as he glanced towards Ezra. I braced myself for whatever he planned on telling me. Ezra’s opinions were always harsh, but they were well intentioned, too, and I had grown to trust him. Both of them. But Noah had always been the big wedge between Ezra and me. I knew what he thought of him.

“You know,” Ezra told me, “I don’t want to be an advocate for the devil, but I’ve been thinking a lot about this since the last time we talked about it.”

I waited for him to go on.

“That guy has been through hell.”

I sighed, looking down at my lap, fiddling with the string of my hoodie.

“I’m not excusing his behavior, Att. He fucked up, made a million mistakes, and treated you like crap. But he’s changed. I never told you, but he apologized to me a couple of weeks after he got back on the team. It was a good one too. I don’t think he should have directed that energy towards me, but you can tell he’s trying. I tried putting myself in his shoes, only for your sake, and honestly, after how badly he fucked up, I don’t think it could have been easy coming back here. I think anybody would have just said good riddance and started over somewhere new. But he came back. And fuck, I can’t even begin to imagine what that decision must have been like. It must have been hard being this miserable, having people not talk to him, be mad at him, having you hate him. He’s a recovering addict, being around a hard situation like this,” Ezra said and shrugged. “It’s admirable he stuck with it,” he added.

I was blindsided. Not once since Noah had been in thepicture had Ezra ever said anything remotely nice about him. Colin was surprised, too, but he had a small smile on his lips.

“He came back for you, Att, I think that’s pretty clear,” Ezra told me, and it was like feeling the heartbreak all over again. “This is his penance for what he did. He’s going through this for you. To show you he’s different. Make of that what you will, but I think Noah’s still in love with you.”

My lips pulled down, and I tried to push this back down. I hated that I had to keep reliving this over and over again. This fucking pain that only seemed to exist in regard to Noah.

“I know he is,” I said quietly. “But it wasn’t enough last time.”

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