Page 65 of Echoes of Us

“I don’t need help. I just need you. If I’m with you, everything’s fine. It’s this fucking break and going back there.” He reached for my face and made me look at him. “I didn’t buy any; they just had it. I didn’t get it myself. I haven’t done it since, but I thought about it a lot yesterday. I almost did, butthen I got the tickets instead. Just thinking about seeing you was enough to make me forget about it again.” His words tumbled out in a rush.

“And what happens during spring break? Summer?”

He just blinked at me.

“What happens then? When we’re not together? If I come and visit my mom for the weekend, what then?”

“That’s still a long time. I’ll have it under control by then,” he argued. “This works, Atty, you and I. This really works. You told me you were happy. Well, so am I. I’ve never been this happy with anybody else. I know you haven’t been in a relationship before, but I have, and this is very different. Trust me on that. This that we have is like a fucking fantasy, Atty; this makes everything better. You make me better, and I will. I’ll get better.”

I melted at his words.

“I’m sorry I fucked up. I promise I won’t do it again.” He guided me to sit on the bed and hugged me, wrapping his arms around my neck. It felt comforting and suffocating at the same time.

“You’re not supposed to quit forme, Noah. You’re meant to quit foryou.” I looped my arms around his waist loosely and rested my chin on his shoulder.

“I am.”

I realized he had told me the truth about himself long ago. Noah said many things he didn’t mean. There was a nagging voice in my head telling me repeatedly that this wasn’t going to get better on its own. Things wouldn’t change if he kept at it and apologized afterward. He would never get better. I tried to firm up the resolve I wasn’t sure I had and took a deep breath.

“If you do it again, I’ll break up with you.”

Noah tensed in my arms. He looked down at me, his green eyes wide with shock.

“Either you get help, or I’ll break up with you. I’m notkidding around. Even if it breaks me, I’ll do it.” Even saying this out loud made my heart hurt.

His expression turned serious. “Okay. I heard you.” He got his fingers tangled in my hair and held me firmly. “I’m not going to fuck up,” he added with another nod, his voice steady.

“Please be serious about this, Noah,” I asked him, breaking down just thinking of having to stick to my words. “I need you to stop hurting yourself. You promised you were going to stop doing it.”

“I’m serious. I don’t want to lose you. I’m so sorry. I promise I won’t do it again. I promise.” He brushed the words against my lips.

I hoped they weren’t empty, that he wasn’t saying them to me just to calm me down. I wasn’t sure I knew the difference between his lies and truths. Everything mixed up in how he looked at me.

I wrapped my arms tighter around him, and he reciprocated. “I don’t want to lose you either. Please don’t make me do it,” I said over his shoulder.

I stayed with him for a while before heading back to my room. I tried to sleep, but my mind kept wandering back to him. Around one, I gave up and snuck out of my room and into his, getting in bed and wrapping myself around him. He sighed and rubbed his face in my chest, pulling me closer.

Noah had ruined sleeping for me. I was never going to manage to sleep so soundly without him clinging to me like he did. I was sure of that.

The following day, I snuck back out of his room before my mom woke up, changed, and went for a run to clear my head. When I returned, Noah was in the kitchen with my mom, helping her prepare breakfast.

“I’ve never made eggs for myself,” he admitted with a self-conscious laugh.

“It’s never too late to learn,” my mom said patiently, looking over his shoulder. “Don’t let the heat get too high and keep stirring so they don’t stick to the bottom,” she instructed.

I leaned against the door frame, watching them with a smile. I knocked on the wood, and they both turned towards me.

“Hey,” Noah said, smiling. I could tell our conversation from last night still weighed heavily on him; the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“I thought you’d still be asleep,” I said.

My mom walked over and patted my cheek.

“Morning, Mom.” I kissed her cheek.

“Morning, sweetie. Do you want to shower before breakfast?” she asked, giving me a pointed look.

I smiled and nodded. “I’ll be right back.” I headed towards the stairs.

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