Page 48 of Echoes of Us

“King,” the coach said, his voice full of anger.

“I’m not pulling out for the team. I’m pulling out for him. He doesn’t deserve this,” Noah said quickly.

I looked up at him.

“I fucked up, and he has every reason to be this upset with me. Pull me out. It’s not working.”

I took a deep breath and walked away from them.

“Att,” Hank called.

“I just need a minute. I’ll be right back.” I walked out of the court.

I headed towards the bathroom and turned on the tap. I hated this. Noah wasn’t supposed to be involved in this. Now, I felt terrible for him. I shouldn’t feel sorry for him. He did this. He messed everything up.

I splashed water on my face and turned off the tap. Noah was standing behind me.

“I’m sorry. We need to have this conversation. We need to hash it out. We just have to,” Noah told me, his voice steady.

“I’ve told you I don’t want to hear it,” I replied, trying to keep my tone cold.

“I’m trying to get my life back together. I’m trying really fucking hard, because I messed up, and it wasn’t just you. I messed up everything. I know you’re not going to forgive me, and I have to find some way to make peace with that, but I need you to let me try to get my life back. This stupid game isn’t just important to you. You don’t have to forgive me, and you don’t have to stop hating me, but please just let me get my life back,” he pleaded.

I looked at the sink before closed my eyes. He deserved my scorn, right? He did. It was his fault. But seeing him now, so earnest and broken, stirred up a storm of conflicting emotions. I had an overwhelming desire to turn and hug him. Of course, he wanted to get his life together. He should be doing just that. I didn’t want him to be miserable. I just wanted him to go back in time and not break my heart into a million pieces. I didn’t want to hate him. All I ever wanted was him. Still, it was horrible to know the real reason why he had come back, that it had nothing to do with me.

“I can’t be around you. I’m supposed to be over you. It’s been two fucking years. I can’t keep doing this. I’m trying here too. I’m trying not to let this get to me, but you always get to me,” I said.

Silence.

I opened my eyes and glanced back at him. His green eyes were wide, and his lips were parted, the vulnerability on his face almost unbearable.

“Atty, do you still?—”

“I told you not to call me that,” I said.

He clamped his lips shut. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. The last thing I wanted was to hurt you and make you hate me. I told you that. I knew this was going to happen,” Noah said.

“This didn’t justhappen. You did this, Noah. You can’t getaway with blaming all your problems on your mental health or what happened to you. You fucked up.”

“I know I did. I’m sorry,” he tried again.

“I don’t know how to handle this. I sure as hell didn’t know how to handle you. I was in love with you, Noah,” I said and turned to look at him.

His expression was one of raw, unfiltered pain, and it mirrored my own. “So was I,” he said.

We stood there for a while, just listening to the rush of water through the pipes and the dull cheers on the other side of the doors.

“I wish you would have stayed gone.” Silence met my words. I could see how much they hurt him. “I won’t keep being an asshole during volleyball, but stay away from me otherwise,” I asked, and he agreed.

I walked out of the bathroom and back towards the court. I apologized to the coach and Hank, and they let me back on.

I needed to snap out of this. Noah just wanted to move on, and I’d be damned if I was the one staying in this state forever. If he could do it, so could I. I wanted my life back too.

So I played.

I was still miserable.

CHAPTER

---