Page 25 of Echoes of Us

His eyes strayed from mine, moving lower on my face. He ran his tongue over his lip again. It was such a simple gesture, but it made my breath hitch. Suddenly, I was free-falling, making a choked sound without meaning to.

His eyes snapped to mine. The smile faded from his lips, his eyes widening with an expression I couldn’t decipher. I had no idea what he saw in my face, but his fingers stopped moving, and his expression broke. It was like looking at a mask falling off. He was overwhelmed, and it made him appear younger, more vulnerable. Why? What did I do?

“Atty,” he whispered, shaking his head almost imperceptibly.

“What?” I asked, my voice barely holding together.

I could change anything and give it to him, whatever he wanted. Anything to make him look at me like he did amoment ago. I was overcome with the urge to lean closer to him, to close the distance.

He let out a little strangled laugh and his eyes fell away from me. His hand dropped from my hair. No. The loss of contact felt like a physical blow.

He pushed himself up, sitting back on the bed. He cleared his throat, the moment shattered. I sat there looking at the spot he had vacated, my chest aching. I should have just leaned closer.

I closed my eyes. Why did I have to be such an idiot with these things?

“Do you want to play something else?” His voice was strained.

I pressed my lips together, trying to hold back the frustration. I nodded and heard him sigh.

What did I do wrong?

He stopped texting for a while. He stopped showing up for practice too. I searched for him around campus, but I didn’t see him. This was my fault. I knew it was. If I could just understand what he saw on my face, I could take it back. Being that close to him, having him in my room, remembering in excruciatingly precise detail how his arms looked in that shirt while he held the controller, was driving me crazy. I had no idea how to stop thinking about him. I stopped saying no to parties, hoping I would run into him, and tried to ignore Colin’s and Ezra’s faces when they noticed me looking around. I didn’t tell them about having Noah over or how much we had been talking until then.

Then, one day, he was just back. He showed up for practice and acted like he had been there the day before, like we had been talking this whole time. Something had changed. I noticed him looking at me. I’d focus on playing, and when Iturned, he would be watching me, quickly averting his gaze. He wouldn’t come close to me, and his touchiness had subsided quite a bit. He was the most confusing person I had ever met.

Still, he asked us to go to a party at his house after a few days. Ezra refused again before I could get a word in. That day, after we left practice, Noah texted me, saying he hoped I could make it. I sat in my room with the TV on for an hour before I gave up and shut it off. Colin and Ezra left to hang out with their friends at a party I refused to attend.

It was now or never.

I changed and went to his apartment alone. I could take care of myself. It’s not like I needed them there to protect me. Still, the anxiety of going up there alone gripped my chest tightly. It was just like the last time—a smoke-filled room with loud music and sweating bodies. I walked around, hoping to spot him. Holly found me first.

“The mighty Atticus,” she said.

I turned to her with a grateful smile. It was nice seeing someone I knew here. “Hi, Holly,” I said, and she smiled back.

“How are you doing? Did you come with Col?”

“No, just me,” I told her.

Her smile fell slightly.

“Is Noah around?” I asked.

She pursed her lips, looking a little uncomfortable. Maybe it was weird I had come here without Colin.

“Yeah, he’s around. Do you want to get something to drink?” Holly asked.

I stayed with Holly and the rest of their friends, trying to talk to her and not seem like I was just looking around, waiting to see him. I didn’t think she was buying it.

Then I saw him.

Noah, in all his shirtless glory, danced between a couple of people. His jeans were hanging low on his hips, and too manyhands ran over him. His eyes were closed, and he was smiling, throwing his head back, creating an attractive arch in his body. His smooth skin glistened with sweat under the low lights, highlighting the lines of his muscles and the small tattoo on his hip.

He was thinner than I expected. The music was fast paced, but he was moving slowly, almost lazily. He looked fantastic, and at the same time, there was something incredibly off-putting about the whole thing. It was as if he wasn’t standing there, inside his body. He reached his hand to his face, pressing the palm of his hand on his nose and holding it there before letting go and biting down on his lip. He ran his hands through his hair and said something to the girl dancing before him. His eyes, usually so vibrant, seemed dull, almost lifeless.

“Atticus?” Holly said.

I turned to the sound of her voice. “Sorry. What?”

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