Page 128 of Echoes of Us

Mathew picked up the movement, and for a second, it was like I had Noah back in my arms.

I groaned.

“That’s it,” he said.

That was it. I had Noah memorized in bed, the way his breath would hitch when I grabbed him hard, how to hit him just right, angling my hips, making him moan and slip profanities from his lips. Sex was so different with Noah; it was perfect, everything synchronized. Effortless. Mathew kept losing the rhythm, and I had to work him into it again, distracting me.

“Keep pushing back like that,” I told him after the second time it happened.

“Yes, sir,” he said with a chuckle.

I knew what he meant. I wasn’t letting him move an inch out of line. I just wanted to feel him like this, wrap myself up in the fantasy of this not being Mathew. If he slipped, it came crashing down, and all I had left was the crippling guilt of using him like this.

I let go of his hip and spit on my hand before stroking it over him. He moaned loudly. The least I could do was make it good for him too.

I came back to the apartment at nine. Colin was in the kitchen, grabbing a beer from the fridge, and smirked when he saw me. I gave him a look before walking towards him and leaning on the kitchen counter.

“Where have you been? Ezra got back from the gym an hour ago.”

I sighed. “Having sex with Mathew,” I replied.

He dropped something in the sink with a loud clunk. He turned, wide-eyed. “Shit.”

“Is this not okay? Is it weird talking to you about sex?”

“No, it’s okay. You just surprised me. I thought you weren’t seeing him anymore.” He was still uncomfortable.

“I’m not. We went out for a beer and ended up back at his place. He said it was just for fun, no commitment,” I explained.

Colin looked even more surprised. “I thought you weren’t into that sort of thing.”

“You do it constantly.”

He grimaced. “Yeah, because it works for me. Did it work for you?”

I thought about it. “Not at all,” I told him honestly.

“So why do it?”

I shrugged. “I thought maybe I was idealizing Noah. After I kissed him the other day, everything got so messed up. I figured if I kissed someone else…”

“You thought it could be just as good,” Colin finished. “Was it?”

“No, it sucked.” I walked towards the living room and collapsed onto the couch. “I only got through it thinking about Noah the whole time,” I added, seeing Colin’s eyes widen again as he sat down.

“Maybe I should get something stronger to drink,” he said, half-joking.

“You said it wasn’t weird.”

“I mean, to be fair, Att, that’s one of those things you think about but don’t say out loud.”

“I knew it was bad.” I clicked my tongue in frustration. “I feel horrible about it.”

“Well, if he’s okay with it not being serious, I think it’s fine,” Colin tried to reassure me.

“It still feels wrong on both counts. I shouldn’t have gone through with it,” I admitted.

“I’m sorry it sucked, Att.”

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