Page 39 of Protectors

“Wasn’t the best day. Knew I never should’ve went on the job from the second I left the house this mornin’. Told Valor I’m not goin’ back tomorrow and he’s gonna go in my place. More than likely gonna terminate the contract and pull the equipment I already installed before he leaves. That shit only pisses me off more because the hours I’ve been away from Alana truly mean nothin’ if that’s what he does,” I tell him, the anger and rage once again bubbling to the surface. “How’s she doin’ today?”

“She was quiet. Looks as if the weight of the world is holdin’ her down and she can’t get a full breath. It’s a look we’ve all seen on our women’s faces at one point or another. Alana’s strong and she’s not gonna let this keep controllin’ her. We’ll get Terrence now that we know he’s in the city and she’ll be able to breathe easy. Ghost left work early to be here with her. He’s gonna try to talk her into goin’ to work tomorrow with him. If she goes, Kian, Deegan, Cage, Joker, and Stryker will be with them. They’ll try to make it look as if they’re waitin’ to get work done, but you know her dads aren’t gonna be able to control themselves for very long,” my dad says, a smirk on his face because he knows Cage and Joker.

“Where’s Uncle Tank? I haven’t seen him yet,” I ask, worried there’s something wrong with someone else.

“He’ll be here tomorrow. Wanted to stop in Cedar Bay to see the kids. They’re thinkin’ of movin’ there when he retires from the club. He wants to be close to his kids. He knows Zoey is bein’ taken care of by Savage and if they’re in Cedar Bay it will make it easier for visits to happen,” my dad informs me as I hear a scream from inside the house.

Without a word, I leave the porch and rush up to our bedroom. Ghost is trying to calm Alana down as she tangles herself in the blankets on our bed while battling a nightmare. I slide in bed behind her and wrap my arms around her body with Kaden. We hold her close and murmur words of love and comfort in her ear until she finally calms down and wakes up. Alana’s body is covered in sweat, her hair sticking to her face and neck while tears run down her face and land on the three of us. She sobs in my chest as I lift her in my arms and carry her into the bathroom. Kaden joins us and turns on the shower as I hold our girl and let the anger of the day disappear. My entire focus is on her as we help her wash the sweat from her body before washing ourselves and getting out of the shower once more. I dress her in one of my tee-shirts after drying her off before the three of us climb in bed. This entire exchange is done without a single word being spoken and that tells me how rattled Alana truly is. I lay awake as she fights to go back to sleep and simply hold her close so she knows we’re here for her.

Chapter Twenty-One

Alana

AFTER GETTING READYfor the day, I head down to the kitchen of our home to find Pops making breakfast. I already know Ghost and Geek have left for the day. Even if they don’t wake me up, I always sense when they get out of bed. Pops turns from the stove and holds his arms out and I race into them. Pops holds me close and lets me cry out all the pain, fear, and anxiety. The only sound in the room are those of my choked sobs. After a few minutes, Pops turns us to the stove as he finishes cooking while keeping one arm around me. I don’t move from the spot in his arms as he finishes cooking and plates our food. Leading us to the island, he helps me onto a stool before heading to the refrigerator and pouring me a glass of orange juice. Making his way back to the island, Pops sets my glass down and takes his seat next to me. We eat in silence for a few minutes before the conversation is started.

“What’s goin’ on with you, Sweetheart?” Pops asks, his voice soft and gentle as he keeps his eyes off me because he knows it’s much harder to talk to him when I have someone’s attention. I don’t like attention on me during a good day. Now, when I feel as if my body is being ripped in a million different directions, I really can’t have anyone’s attention on me. it will do nothing but make me shut down.

“Everything is so messed up, Pops. The situation with Terrence spiraled so completely out of control. It’s my fault that he put his hands on me and everything else that happened between the two of us. He lied and manipulated me every single day of the time we were together. Instead of being the strong woman you all raised me to be, I simply took his shit. The first time he put his hands on me, I didn’t fight back. I let him get away with it. And it only got worse from there. Now I have the scars to show the world how weak I truly am,” I say, my voice wavering and breaking with the emotion filling me. I try to blink the tears from my eyes so they won’t spill over my lashes and roll down my face again. I’m so fucking tired of crying and feeling weak as hell. This isn’t who I am and I’m tired of feeling as if I’m less than the woman I know I am.

“Sweetheart, you’re not weak at all. We all have that fight or flight instinct in us. Sometimes, those instincts don’t kick in the way they should and we freeze. Honestly, I’ve frozen a few times in situations over the years. It’s not a good feelin’ and it’s not our fault at all. That’s just how things happen. What you did doesn’t reflect on you at all. This is all on Terrence and the way he treated you,” Pops says, compassion filling his voice as he looks over at me with soft eyes. He wraps his arm around my shoulders but doesn’t pull me close to his body because he knows that will make it harder to talk and I’ll give in to my need to cry.

“Logically I understand that, Pops. Unfortunately, it doesn’t change the fact that I can’t even leave the compound without havin’ a panic attack. Yesterday, it took every ounce of strength in me not to lose my shit with Deegan and Kian. It’s only slightly better when I’m with Ghost or Geek. One touch from Ghost when we leave to go to work is all it takes in order to somewhat settle the panic attack from turning into a full blown episode. When I’m sitting at the counter in Phantom Ink, I paste a fake smile on my face and greet every person who walks up to me and take care of them. Inside, I fucking break every second of each interaction. The only reason I don’t let it overwhelm me is because I know Ghost is behind me,” I tell Pops as tears roll down my face and the breakfast he made us sits untouched in front of me.

“Sweetheart, it won’t always be like that. Eventually you’ll be able to leave the compound and not have a panic attack. You’ll genuinely laugh and have fun while you bask in the attention of your men. I know you fell out of love with Terrence a long time ago. That doesn’t mean you don’t have to heal from the pain and injury he’s inflicted over the year you gave him,” he tells me, rubbing a hand up and down my back as I try to choke back the sobs to no avail.

“I feel so stupid, Pops. We all know Mom’s story and heard the hell she went through. I always told myself that I’d be the woman my mom wanted me to be and not stay with a man who thought it was okay to abuse me in any way he chose. Instead, I gave him a year of my life. Even when we were on our so-called breaks, I was faithful to him. Never once did I contemplate being with anyone else. Not until I came down here for King and Brynn’s wedding. It was the first time I felt the change between Ghost, Geek, and me. They gave me attention that was different than ever before and it made me believe we had a future. What did I do? I went back home and gave Terrence more power over me and took him back once again,” I say, getting to the heart of the matter which is how I feel about Ghost and Geek like I somehow betrayed them by giving Terrence that last chance.

“Despite you feelin’ somethin’ change between the three of you it doesn’t mean that you were together. You didn’t betray either of them in any way. None of you made promises to one another and you didn’t leave here in a relationship with them. You were single and so were they. You have them in your life now and are buildin’ your future with them. They’ve come to us and asked each of us for our blessin’. Ghost and Geek came to every male member of your family to get their blessin’ to claim you as their ol’ lady and then went to all the females. They are willin’ to go above and beyond for you and I know you do for them as well. I watched you put that girl in her place without hesitation.

“From what I hear, every single time she’s put Geek down and made it out that he’s less than anyone else in this clubhouse you’ve stuck up for him and ensured everyone knows how you feel about him. You claim him every single time without hesitation and I know you love them both. They’re standin’ by you in the face of what you’re goin’ through and figure out ways to get you through each panic attack or every second you’re upset. They don’t hold what’s happened against you in any way. Those two men are so completely in love with you and will never hold this against you for any reason,” Pops assures me, his voice remaining soft and gentle as I finally start to eat the food he made me.

“Am I ever gonna be able to get over this, Pops? Is anyone going to find Terrence so this situation can be resolved and I can move on?” I question him as he starts to eat his breakfast as well.

“You will get over this, Alana. You might not see it right now but you’re so much stronger than you’ve ever been able to see. We all see the strength deep in your soul and know how much you truly love everyone you bring into your world. With the help of Ghost and Geek, your counselor, and family you’ll get over everythin’ that piece of shit put you through. We will find Terrence and deal with him the way we should have dealt with him the second he started abusin’ you. Then you’ll move forward with your life without the threat of him robbin’ you of any more happiness,” Pops assures me, his voice raising just a little bit as he thinks about getting his hands on Terrence.

We finish our breakfast in silence and clean up the dishes together. This isn’t the first time Pops and I have shared a meal. We’ve gotten into a routine when we share meals and work well together in the kitchen. Pops and I move around one another fluidly before he leads me from the house once I have my purse and phone. Kian and Deegan are waiting on the porch for me. The four of us leave my home and we head to Pops’ SUV to head to Phantom Ink. I sit in back with Kian while Deegan sits up front with Pops. None of us talk on the short trip as music softly plays in the background. Pops continues to look at me in the rearview mirror as my body starts to shake and the roots of the panic attack start building deep within me.

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