Page 4 of Deceit

“No. Well, when I can avoid takin’ them, I do. I don’t like not bein’ in control of myself and that’s how they make me feel. Even takin’ a partial pill makes me feel out of it and I spend the rest of the day sleepin’. So, I’ve been takin’ over the counter pain reliever instead. When I get back to the clubhouse, Jinx will help me in a hot bath and I’ll soak my muscles for a while. Durin’ that time, I take the pain relievers and Hope makes sure I eat somethin’. By the time I’m finally in my bed, it will be two days before I climb back out of it for more than to use the bathroom,” I answer him honestly as Hope places her hand on my arm when I go to stand from my position on the floor.

“Not many people like the way the pain medicine makes them sleep and be out of it, but it will help, Kingston. I’m not gonna force you to take it, but use it when you need to. Don’t try to power through the pain and push yourself more than what you do here and when you workout in the gym with the guys of your club. The last thing I want to see is you setting yourself back in your recovery. You’ve been on this journey for a long time and still have a ways to go. Don’t do something stupid you’ll end up regretting,” he tells me, giving me the truth of my reality instead of telling me what I want to hear.

Wes is hard but determined to get his patients where they want to be in their recovery. The first session you have with him is spent talking and going over everything you’ve been through and where you want to end up by the time your therapy sessions with him are done. He pushes me just a little bit past where I was the previous session so I keep progressing to where I want to end up. The reality of my situation is that I might not ever walk without a limp. Wes has made that perfectly clear to me along with the doctors I have seen since my crash. While I’ll be able to run and move almost as good as I did before the accident, it will always come with pain and a stiffness I never had before. That’s when the limp will become more pronounced and I won’t be able to hide it from anyone around me. It’s the one thing I hate more than anything about my crash. Despite the nightmares and everything else that’s happened since that fateful day, the limp is a physical reminder of what’s happened and it pains me the most.

“I know. I try to push myself just enough to get to the next step of this process. The pain medicine is the only aspect I won’t give in to. When I’m completely overwhelmed with pain and need to take them, I do. However, every other single time, I use the over the counter stuff and that takes off enough of the edge to allow me to get through the day. Do you know when it will be enough that I won’t be stuck in bed for a few days after each session with you?” I ask him, not sure how much longer I’ll be able to deal with that part of this shit.

“I can’t say, Kingston. Everyone is different. What keeps you in bed for a few days? The pain? Can you not move your leg? Are you unsteady on your feet?” he returns, trying to figure out the root of the problem.

“I feel like my leg is gonna fall the fuck off. And every step I take it feels like my knee will buckle and I’ll end up on my ass. I’ve told my doctors this and they don’t seem concerned about it. I am though,” I answer him as Hope hits my arm because it’s not the full truth.

“He also complains about muscle spasms and feeling stiff as hell. Like when he first got taken out of the hospital bed and could hardly move that leg to lift it off the floor so no weight was being put on it,” Hope tells Wes as he starts thinking about our words and what we’re telling him.

“Are you on muscle relaxers?” he questions me, his voice taking on the tone he gets when he’s trying to figure a patient out.

“No.”

“Okay. I’m gonna put in a request to have another MRI done and talk to your doctor about the possibility of putting you on some very light muscle relaxers to help with the spasms you’re experiencing. Do you have them only after our sessions or when you workout in the gym at the clubhouse too?” he informs me while trying to think of what else could be done.

“Only when I’m here. I don’t put my focus on my leg when I’m workin’ out with the guys. That’s only here. When I do have leg day there, I don’t do as much as what I’m doin’ here. And my leg days there are few and far between. I figure I get enough of a workout here and don’t need to focus on that shit at the clubhouse,” I tell him, my voice almost hard because I hate talking about this shit.

“For now, do what you’ve been doing and I’ll give the doctor a call so you can get in for the MRI and stuff. Once we get the results from that, we’ll refigure your therapy plan here if we have to. I want to make sure you get where you want to be by the time we’re done. I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t do everything in my power to ensure you’re getting the results you want to see. We’ll figure this out, Kingston. One way or another, we’ll get the answers you need so we can move forward and hopefully get you to the point where you don’t need to spend the next few days in bed,” Wes tells me as he helps me into the wheelchair I get taken out of each session in because my legs aren’t strong enough for me to walk out on my own two feet.

With Hope or Jinx being the only two who know how bad this is for me, they’re the only ones who come to my therapy sessions. When my cousin is here with me, I know she won’t be able to support my weight through the therapy facility and out to the SUV we’ve brought here. If Jinx were here, he’d get me out to the vehicle without using the wheelchair. He was busy today and will be waiting for us at the clubhouse. That’s the only time anyone will ever see someone having to help me up to my room.

Yesterday and thismorning have been nothing short of pure hell. The muscle spasms are worse than ever before and I can hardly get myself out of my bed to make it to the bathroom on my own. They started when Jinx helped me into the bathtub I have in my room and haven’t let up since then. I haven’t eaten or anything because the pain and shit is so bad I can’t stand it. Hope came in and threatened to call her dad and my dad if I didn’t take some of the pain medicine, so I finally relented and took a pill. It knocked me out and I’m just now waking up to see it completely dark outside my window. Anger fills me because this is the exact reason I hate taking the damn stuff. I’ve lost an entire fucking day and if something were to have happened here at the clubhouse, I wouldn’t have been any help at all.

There’s a knock on my door before I can get up and head to the bathroom very slowly.

“Come in,” I growl out, my voice filled with the anger coursing through my veins.

“I come in peace,” Jinx says, walking in with Hope following behind him. “We come in peace, King.”

“Don’t really care. I told you I hate takin’ this shit because it knocks me the hell out and that’s exactly what it did,” I state, looking at my cousin as I toss the blankets off of me and swing my legs over the side of my bed.

“You needed them, King,” Hope says, a slight tremor in her voice as she looks at me. “I know you hate them and the fact that you slept the day away. Until Wes can get the MRI scheduled and the doctor to give you muscle relaxers, there’s not much you can do. Personally, I don’t know that you’d still be feeling this way if you were taking the pain medicine all along. At least until you can get out of bed without thinking you’re going to fall on your ass.”

“I get where you’re comin’ from, Hope. Don’t think I don’t. However, I feel fuckin’ fuzzy as hell and the sleep I got wasn’t good at all. I’m exhausted now and want to go back to bed instead of makin’ sure the club doesn’t need somethin’ from me. Valor and others have to step up and handle my shit when it’s not their responsibility. I have no appetite or anythin’. Is that how you want me to live my life, Hope?” I question her, trying to make her see my point and understand where I’m coming from.

The conversation drops when I enter the bathroom and close the door behind me. I know Jinx and Hope won’t leave my room just because I’ve come to the bathroom. They’ll wait for me. I’m sure my cousin is waiting for a plate of food to come up to me so she knows I’ve eaten something today. That’s the one thing I need to do when I take the pain medicine and I wasn’t able to when I first took it. If I don’t eat something soon, I’ll end up spending the rest of the night on the bathroom floor getting sick. It’s happened before and Jinx and Hope cleaned up after me because they’re the only ones I’ll let see me at my weakest and lowest points.

After taking care of business and washing my hands, I brush my teeth and stare in the mirror for several minutes. My face is covered in sweat from this small act everyone does on a daily basis. From the fitful sleep I had thanks to the pain medicine, my hair is sticking up all over the place and I have no energy to take care of it right now. I don’t want to brush it out or toss it up in a bun like I typically do when it’s getting on my nerves. When I can no longer stand the sight of myself, I head back into my room to find Jinx and Hope remaking my bed while a tray of food sits on the desk I’ve got in my room.

“We changed your sheets, Kingston. They were soaked from you sweating and I know you can’t stand to have that disgusting feeling on your body. I’ve put a lighter blanket on this time and you don’t have to use the comforter at all if you don’t want to. Annabell was cooking and made you a light soup and some sandwiches,” Hope informs me, pulling back the blankets so I can get in bed while Jinx tosses my dirty bedding in the basket I have in the bottom of my closet.

“Tell her I said thank you. Hope, I’m sorry I gave you attitude. You know I hate showin’ weakness of any kind. Since the crash, that’s all I seem to do is show one weakness or another. You two know the extent of what I go through and I appreciate you keepin’ this from everyone. Especially our family back home,” I tell her, wrapping Hope in my arms as I speak and she hugs me back.

“I know, Kingston. You’re like every other damn man in our family and that’s okay. You’re gonna have your good and bad days. Today is a bad day. Tomorrow you’ll be ready to get out of bed. If you don’t want to take another pain pill tonight, I’m not gonna say anything. Did it help at all? You’re still walking and moving around like it hasn’t done anything,” she asks me, concern filling her eyes as I press a kiss to the top of her head.

“The muscle spasms aren’t as bad as they were before I took the medicine. They’re almost gone if I’m bein’ honest. I don’t know if it will remain that way, but for now, I can kind of move around. The stiffness isn’t gone at all. If anythin’, that’s a little bit worse. My hip actually hurts right now too. I’m thinkin’ I slept wrong on it or somethin’. I’ll keep an eye on it and call the doctor if it doesn’t get better. Are you two hangin’ out or will you be goin’ home with the kids?” I ask them, trying to figure out what they’re doing tonight.

“The kids are havin’ a sleepover with Annabell and their kids. She’s actually takin’ all the kids and Savannah is gonna hang out with them in the game room downstairs. They’ll be close and we can pop in to see them,” Jinx informs me as he sits on the end of my bed while Hope fusses over me until she’s confident I’m comfortable. “We’re all yours, King. We can hang out, talk do whatever you wanna do.”

“I don’t know what I want to do. There’s not much I can focus on right now. Though could one of you hand me my laptop? I started a program runnin’ a few days ago and want to see if it got any hits,” I ask them knowing I’ve been searching through the footage of Pine View to find that female biker.

It’s a gross abuse of the power and knowledge I have when it comes to computers and what I can do when one’s in front of me. Still, I can’t think of anything else to do in order to go find her. I don’t even know what color her bike is. All I know is she wears riding gear and her helmet is a riot of colors. Her hair was tucked in her riding jacket or something because I didn’t get a single glimpse of it for the short time I was behind her. This girl has been riding for a long time and knows all the ins and outs of keeping herself as indescribable as possible.

While I check my programs and make sure no one needs me to do anything, I eat the light dinner Annabell made me. It’s delicious, but not nearly enough to fill me. Jinx knows this as he goes down to grab me some more of the soup. It still won’t be enough, but I know my stomach won’t tolerate much else but the sandwiches and soup today. Tomorrow I can go a little heavier with the food I eat.

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