Page 44 of Fractured

The strangest sounds were coming from Saint, and I wanted to believe he was just so ecstatic to be having this conversation he couldn’t contain himself. But when I lowered my hands, his face had darkened and the most painful grimace graced his features. I was also pretty sure he wasn’t breathing.

Damn.

It took a minute, but both Atticus and I were quiet while he processed the definition Atticus had supplied him. Just the fact that I remained quiet was probably enough to let him know that what Atticus said was true.

When he composed himself, he looked to me with huge sad eyes. There was even a tinge of regret lingering in the dark brown depths. I swallowed and gripped my hands in front of my stomach, readying myself for what he was going to say.

“Lilith, I really like you, but…” he started, and my stomach bottomed out.

“Hold on, my friend.” Atticus held up a well-manicured hand. “Fuck me. I thought this was one of the guys you told us about, Lilith. Please tell me you don’t have a man on a string that didn’t know what he was signing up for?” He wasn’t chastising me, but I felt two inches tall all the same.

It was time for me to actually speak, otherwise I was going to miss my chance with Saint regardless. “I do like you, Saint.” I took a step closer to him as if we were the only two people in the room. “Everything Atticus said is true. And to be completely honest, I’ve never really given relationships a chance, but you and a few other men came along at just the right time, and I found myself wanting more. Atticus and Ambrose were just there at the right place and the right time.” I dragged a hand through my hair, making an aggravated noise in the back of my throat. Did this sound just as corny to him as it did to me? “Look, I—” I reached out a hand to touch his arm, but he pulled back.

The movement was barely noticeable, but it was there. He shifted back on his feet to avoid my touch.

And my heart broke.

“I think I should let you get back to your…boyfriend,” Saint said, as if he had something sour in his mouth.

“Listen,friend,” my friendly and slightly crazy—boyfriend?—friend said as he stopped Saint from leaving with a hand to his chest. “I wouldn’t say you’re acting like a dick right now, because I get it, this is a really weird and unconventional situation. But Lilith must see something in you to have brought you up to us before.”

My face flamed like I was sitting in the pits of hell. Did he really have to bring that up like I gushed over Saint? Because that was how it felt.

“Come have dinner with us at Lilith’s. It will just be me, Ambrose, and Lilith. Spend an evening with us, and if you can’t see how special this thing is between us, then you can leave and no hard feelings.” His face was so open and genuine. Atticus was putting himself out there for me, because this was something I wanted, and I melted into a puddle of goo. If we were alone—hell, actually, if Saint weren’t here, I’d tackle him to the ground and have my wicked way with him.

The struggle was clear on Saint’s face and written in the lines of his body. It was painful to watch. I wasn’t unsympathetic to how unfair this was. Me asking him to give me a chance when there were other men in my life?

When did I want to make that leap? I looked to the side as I thought about it. Somewhere in the last week, something had shifted inside me and I did want these men. Kenzo too. But what was I willing to do to get them?

And just as quickly, I deflated. I was so fucked up, even more so with Drake and Eli messing up my well structured life.

Saint sighed heavily, and I glanced back at him.

“Is this what you really want, Lilith? So many men in your bed? That’s what it’s going to take to make you happy?” I hated that I was the one to put the uncertainty in his eyes. Was he questioning his self-worth the way I would be if the roles were reversed?

No, of course not. I was projecting.

“I understand if this isn’t for you. I admit, this isn’t something I ever thought I’d want. Or be able to have. For as long as I can remember, I just assumed I’d spend my life alone, constantly watching others live their lives.” I tried to smile, but it felt more like a wince. Maybe that would still be my future, but for right now, I wasn’t alone. Then I took a deep breath and threw myself out on that branch next to Atticus. “If you want to come have dinner with us, I’d love for you to join us.”

I waited, holding my breath as Saint’s gaze roved over me. All of our interactions came down to this one moment in time. Was I worth it? No matter what his answer was, I’d hide from the world how important his words would be. He didn’t know it, but he really held the power in his hands to break my spirit.

“Okay.” He didn’t sound happy about it, but it was something.

“Okay?” There was too much hope in my voice, and I immediately wanted to hug my chest to hide my vulnerability.

“Let’s go have Chinese. Is there enough for me?” He looked over his shoulder to Atticus.

Grinning, he answered, “Yes. Plenty. Ambrose eats a hell of a lot, so I took precautions and ordered enough for ten people.”

Just like that, Saint was giving this a chance. I was so happy, it seemed like my heart was a physical thing I could almost see soaring over and around my head.

“Then let’s get out of here.” Atticus pushed the door open wider so Saint and I could both walk through.

The place was empty since it was well into the evening, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad was about to happen. There was no logical reason behind it, and it drove me crazy that I couldn’t place concrete thought under the gut feeling.

Instead of saying anything and ruining the vibe, I kept it to myself. Not to mention the fact I didn’t want them to think I was crazy.

I wasn’t. It would just be too easy for them to think I was, and that would devastate me.

---