Page 81 of Fractured

If I had any decency at all, I wouldn’t have come home last night, because as surely as I wanted to protect them from this side of myself, they couldn’t deny it now. They’d tried so hard to make me feel normal and comfortable with myself and not to always jump to the worst conclusions.

And now I was shoving that reality in their faces.

I was so heartless.

It was then I realized the pain of heartbreak was an actual physical thing. The fissure in my heart split so violently that I cried out.

Saint and Atticus jolted forward as if they could protect me from some unseen force, but Kenzo’s eyes widened from surprise. Now I really did laugh. Like a fucking lunatic.

“I think we should call the hospital. Or 911 potentially,” Saint murmured to someone, maybe all of them.

That sobered me up really quick.

No, I couldn’t let them do that. I knew myself, and I couldn’t handle being placed in a psych ward. Just the thought had me ready to crawl out of my skin. A thousand biting ants seemed to march over every inch of me, ratcheting up my fear.

I couldn’t let them commit me.

But I couldn’t let myself hurt someone either.

Lauren had no humanity left. I did. And I wanted to go out with mine.

Shoving myself away from the table, I rushed out of the house and away from their wounded gazes. I needed air, I needed space.

I needed something I’d never had before.

Courage.

So many thoughts and images bombarded me brain as I ran blindly down the street. My side started to ache and my head started to pound, but I kept on, not even knowing where I was going.

Shouts and footsteps followed behind me, and every time I thought they were getting too close, I ran faster.

Faster, faster, faster.

There.

There was a bridge. I could barely make it out through the film of blurry tears, but I saw it. And it had all the answers to the questions I didn’t have the guts to ask.

I could go blindly.

Closing my eyes and wishing on a star as I fell backward over the edge.

A moment of clarity hit me as I gripped the dirty concrete railing and stared at the river rocks down below. I hadn’t jumped. Not yet. The rocks under the shallow water were varying shades of gray and brown, and even this late in fall, there was a musty smell to the air, tinged with the scent of moss.

It was soothing. Calming in a way I’d never found these particular scents to be before.

Yes, I was crazy.

I didn’t want to be, but I was cursed with genetics and the unfortunate knowledge.

When I tried to raise my leg over the edge, the appendage didn’t move. It was like concrete suddenly encased my feet and I couldn’t do it.

No, I could.

I just needed to be a bit stronger.

More determined.

Then my foot lifted an inch off of the ground. That was it. A few more, and I could swing it over the edge.

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