Page 57 of Busted Dreams

“I have no fucking idea. It could be one, or all of the above? I didn’t exactly take the time to ask the logical questions. Let’s just say a side effect of being creative is leading with my emotions.”

“For what it’s worth, Trinity doesn’t seem like she’s on drugs. Unless you had told me, I never would have suspected she had anything to do with them, but…” She pulled back and turned her head toward the tiny kitchen.

“But?” I probed. Was this where she told me I was a horrible guardian or had no business trying to raise a teenager?

“She’s the complete opposite of you. I can’t place my finger on it, but she’s just different. That being said, I don’t really know her so I’m not in a position to cast judgment. That’s a sin by the way, if you didn’t know it.”

Was that a joke? There was no follow-up laugh or smile. I laughed anyway.

“I did know that. And I’m not asking you to cast judgment. It helps just to talk to someone, ya know? Maybe laying it all out will make it seem less crazy in my head.”

“Then you have the right person for the job. I’m a pro listener. Just don’t expect me to come back with some timeless wisdom to solve all your problems and put everything into perspective.” The way her face screwed up, as if she actually thought I expected that, busted me up in laughter.

“Don’t worry. The right answer could stare me in the face, and I’d still doubt it.” I shifted us so I laid longways on the couch with my head on a pillow, Astrid caught between me and the back of the couch, but mostly on top of me.

There was security in this position. Comfort. Calmness.

I’d never really put much stock into the need for human touch, and God knew my dear ole dad had never nurtured that part of basic humanity, but I found that I needed it. Funny how you didn’t realize how much you needed something until you understood how empty you’d be without it.

“My dad was a raging alcoholic and had so many people in and out of his house, I was literally afraid something would happen to Trinity without me. He was so blitzed out of his mind, it would take minimal effort for one of those men to do something irrevocable to her and he’d never have known. And you know the sad thing? I don’t think he would have cared.”

True to her word, she squeezed my torso and let me keep talking.

“At the end, he was doing drugs, something he’d never done before that I knew of.” The guys and Astrid knew it was an overdose, but I’d shot down any chance to tell them what happened or why it bothered me so much. “I wished there was something in his life that made him like that. Like PTSD from war or a traumatic experience growing up. I don’t know, just something to justify the way he was. But at the end of the day, I think he was just a selfish person who cared only for himself.

“Sometimes, people are just who they were always meant to be.” I speared my fingers into her hair, lightly massaging the back of her scalp to give me something to do while I shed all of these ugly truths off of my chest.

“Trinity is so smart. Gets great grades and really enjoys all the subjects that will let her make a good career for herself. Not like my creative ass that will probably work minimum wage jobs all my life while trying to sell my paintings. She’s not my daughter, but we’re far enough apart in age that I had a hand in raising her. I want better things for her than I’ll have in life. Now though, I hate the thoughts running through my head. I wish I could dispel them, but they’re rooted in there so deep, I doubt I’ll ever fully clear them away.”

Taking a deep breath, it was oddly satisfying to watch Astrid rise and fall on my chest, synced to my movements. This would be a great painting. This vantage point. How many people would feel the love and protectiveness I felt in this exact moment when they studied it?

“What thoughts?” she asked. I had gotten lost in watching her that I’d completely stopped talking.

“That she’s going to be like our dad. Make horrible decisions her whole life. That no matter how hard I try to save her, she’s going to be who she was always meant to be.”

Astrid nodded but didn’t say anything else as I continued to play with her hair. Thinking about the next words I wanted to say, I wasn’t sure how she would take them, and it scared me. It could be the moment that she changed her mind about who I was as a person. But knowing Astrid and her relationship with her parents, she might just understand.

“I’ve tried to reach out to her. Over and over again this week, until I’ve been nothing but a bag of nerves and stress. I can feel it leaking into every aspect of my life as much as I hate it. And the one big question I ask myself every hour is…” I took another deep breath, this time for courage. “Where is the line where I have to stop helping her to save myself? To give myself a quality of life that I deserve? Or do I owe it to her as my little sister to help her and squander my mental health and happiness to do it?”

Expelling the rest of the air from my lungs in a rush now that my deepest thoughts were out there, I waited.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved Trinity, and logically, I knew she was most likely acting out because she was hurt and emotional. But I still had these fears. If I was honest with myself, they were my deepest fears I felt had too much chance of coming true. There wasn’t one specific thing that made me feel this way, but more of a gut reaction.

And I hoped like hell I was wrong. Which made me feel guilty for having these questions assault my head in the first place. I was just one big ball of contradicting emotions.

Astrid sat up, awkwardly trying to find a comfortable position, but the couch was small and I was large. Finally, she swung a leg over my thighs, straddling me. There was nothing sexual in the position, she was too far down for that, but I still stopped breathing.

A slight blush stole over her neck and face as she stared down at me. Maybe a little embarrassed, but no regret in sight. “Is this okay?”

“Yeah,” I croaked.

“Good.” She cleared her throat. “I promised no words of wisdom, but I have something to say anyway.” She traced random squares and triangles on my chest, lowering her gaze to hands.

I cupped her cheek to bring her focus back to me. “What do you have to say?” Her skin was so soft and warm against my hand. So innocent, but seductive all at once. If this were a Bible story, she’d be my biggest downfall, or maybe my most needed salvation.

“I think you love your sister very much, and I think this week has been hard on you. But it’s only been a week. She’s probably reeling from her dad’s death, just like you are.” She pressed a finger to my lips. “No matter how upset and stressed you are, you can’t turn all your emotions off. Give it some time. Givehersome time. Maybe someday, there will come a time where you have to call it quits and live your life for you, but she’s still young. That time isn’t now, and there’s no sense in worrying about something that may never happen.”

Her words sank into my flesh as if they were physical things, changing the make-up of my foundation. “And you said you weren’t wise,” I joked half-heartedly. “I know what you’re saying makes sense. Just like I know the things rolling around up here,” I continued, tapping my temple, “aren’t rational. If I could turn it off, I would. That’s the problem though, I don’t think I can.”

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