Page 117 of If You Need Me

I spend the rest of the morning in bed crying. Shilpa messages at lunchtime, already aware of the breakup thanks to Ash. She was in meetings all morning, otherwise I know she would have been in touch earlier. She texts me twenty minutes later to tell me she and Hammer are standing outside my door with soup and won’t leave until they see me. Dragging myself out of bed is an epic feat. Heartbreak isn’t a good look for me.

Their eyes flare when I open the door to let them in.

“Oh God, you poor thing.” Hammer sets the takeout bag down.

My nose is red, my eyes are puffy, I’m sure I’m blotchy, and I’m wearing the smiling peaches hoodie Dallas bought me, despite it being September and not quite cool enough for it.

She and Shilpa open their arms, and I fall into them as I burst into tears all over again.

They hold me and let me sob. I’m grateful my roommate is on day shifts this week so I can wallow in the living room.

Hammer and Shilpa lead me to the couch and sit next to me. “I don’t understand why he broke up with you,” Hammer says.

I wish her shock made me feel better, but it doesn’t. It takes several minutes of sobbing and sucking in labored breaths beforeI can get myself together enough to explain. By the time I’m done, the coffee table is covered in used tissues.

“But…he’s obsessed with you. He’s more obsessed with you than Tristan is with Rix, and that’s saying something because that man isobsessed, all caps.”

Shilpa smiles sadly and squeezes my hand.

“He said he wasn’t the right guy for me.” I hiccup.

“What in the actual fuck?” Hammer’s brow furrows in confusion. “Why would he go to all this trouble to propose to you in an arena full of people and then tell you he’s not right for you? Do you want me to set up a birthday party promo op for him? I can make him do balloon animals again. Or sign him up for some kind of sauerkraut festival detail. Or both.”

I shake my head. “I don’t want to do that to him.” I’ve tortured him enough for several lifetimes. Making him miserable now will just make me feel worse. And these lies are too much to carry around. Hiding the truth from my friends has been a weight I can’t bear anymore.

I look to Shilpa, who seems to read my thoughts. “Hammer is safe, and this is too much of a burden for you to carry around.”

So I tell Hammer the entire ugly truth.

She exhales on a low whistle. “Dallas could have been traded for that.”

“I know.”

“Which is why you went along with it—at first, anyway,” she muses.

I nod. “I’m sorry I couldn’t say anything.”

Her expression softens. “Don’t be sorry. I hid what was going on with Hollis for months, and Rix was getting railed by Tristan for weeks before we knew. You were protecting the team, and Dallas, and yourself.” She squeezes my hand. “I’m glad you at least had Shilpa and Ash to help you through this. And it won’t go any further than this room.”

“Thanks. I just don’t want to make this worse than it already is,” I admit.

“What can we do? How can we help?” Shilpa asks.

“I want this to stop hurting.”

“Honestly, it must have been hard to wear his grandma’s ring, and for him to see it on your finger, be so in love with you—and know he’s alone in that feeling. Unrequited love hurts. It makes your heart feel like it’s breaking a thousand times a day. Plus seeing Tristan and the way Rix loves him back, and being so happy about their engagement. I think it messed you both up.” Hammer’s voice is soft and gentle, even as each truthful word feels like a blow.

“Why did he let me see how good we could be and then take it all away?” My heart shatters, and all my deepest fears seep out. “Why doesn’t anyone ever stay? Why am I always too much?”

They hug me from both sides. “Oh, Hemi, you’re not too much. Other people’s actions are usually about them, not us,” Shilpa says.

Hammer squeezes me tightly, like she’s trying to hold me together with love. “What if he just thinks he’s not enough?”

I’m not surprised when the messages from my brothers start soon after Shilpa and Hammer leave. It seems that everyone I love is in tune with how big my feelings are today.

Sam

Moms told us you and the hockey player broke up. Are you okay?

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