Page 121 of If You Need Me

“I think you need to give the seventeen-year-old version of you a break,” Dad muses.

“The seventeen-year-old version of me knew better, though,” I retort.

“Sure, but are you seventeen anymore? Have you allowed anyone to be mistreated since then?”

“No. Of course not.”

“What if you tried to forgive yourself instead of beating yourself up about it? You’ve grown into a person to be proud of over the last ten years, son.” Dad looks at me as though stating that should erase my shame. He taps the arm of his chair. “Did she want out of the relationship?”

“I want to be married to her,” I tell them. “I wanted that ring on her finger. I want to spend the rest of my life loving her, but knowing she doesn’t want the same…that’s torture.”

“Is that what she told you?” Dad presses. “That she’s never interested in a life with you?”

“She’s not in love with me.” I push my chair away from the table. “I’m going down to the dock. I need a breather.” I grab a bottle of scotch, a plastic glass, and the crochet bag from the living room and leave my family sitting at the dining room table. I need time to wallow.

Unrequited love is some shit. Why doesn’t my family understand how hard it is to know my feelings aren’t matched? I know I’m not entitled to her love. I’m not entitled to any part of her.

I’m good and drunk by the time my sister drops into the chair beside mine.

“What is that supposed to be?”

“A peach.” It looks like a blob.

She picks up the bottle and gives it a shake. “Dude, you’re a mess.”

“I know.” I just want to be sad and hate my life in peace.

“Was any of it real at all? Or were you so in love with the idea of having her that you forgot to consider the ramifications of what would happen when you made her yours?”

I blow out a breath. It’s annoying that my sister can so succinctly lay it out for me in a few sentences.

“I’m not in love with the idea of her. I loveher. Everything about her. She’s everything. She goes after everything she wants and doesn’t stop until it’s hers. I don’t care that she might not be for everyone. She’s it for me.” I take a deep breath. “Why am I such an idiot?”

“You’re not an idiot. You’re impulsive. You always have been. It works well on the ice, but it doesn’t always translate in real-life situations. Like this one.” She gives me an empathetic smile. “Impulsivity aside, you’re a great guy. You’re genuine and you do things not because it will look good, but because you actually care. Hemi obviously saw that, or she wouldn’t have gone along with any of this nonsense.”

“She didn’t have much of a choice.”

“Yes, she did. And she made it. She chose you, Dallas.”

“She didn’t want to ruin my career. She never wanted me.”

“Did those words come out of her mouth?”

“No. But she doesn’t date players. She dates smart, educated guys who don’t do stupid shit, like propose in front of an entire arena.”

“Your excuses are bullshit, big brother. The proposal could have backfired spectacularly.”

“It did backfire!”

“So you say. But I’m pretty sure the reason she hasn’t dated a hockey player before is because of the bureaucratic headaches and office politics. And smart isn’t limited to people with PhDs, Dallas. She would not have agreed to be with you if she didn’t find this package attractive on more than just a physical level.” She motions to me. “She doesn’t strike me as the shallow type.”

“She’s not.”

“So let me ask you again, why are you sitting here, regretting your choices, when you should be figuring out a way to fix this?”

“What if there’s nothing to fix? All she said when I broke it off wasokay.”

“Fucking hell, Dallas.” She sighs and shakes her head. “Think about it from her perspective. For nearly a decade, she believed you sabotaged her life because you flexed your popularity. And when she joined the team you signed up for every promo known to man to spend time with her. But you never told her the truth. Instead, you pushed every last button she had, like you wereback in high school all over again. Man. Child. Finally, you tell her you love her, and then you break up with her before she even has a chance to catch up, like it was all just another game to you.”

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