Page 114 of If You Need Me

“Yeah.” On the surface, everything seems perfect. Last week, she was a little off after Rix and Tristan announced their engagement. We both were. It was hard to see them so over the moon with real happiness. I want us to match. But we don’t. And it hurts more than I’d like. I want it to get easier, for her to feel about me the way I feel about her. She’s not there yet though, and it’s a raw wound. I keep telling myself she just needs time.

She’s stayed at my place the last few nights, and things have been explosive in the bedroom, so I’m taking that as a good sign.

We reach the bar and order drinks.

“You ready for the start of the season?” he asks.

“It’s bittersweet with this being Roman’s last one and Hollis’s final contract year, you know?”

Ash nods. “Yeah. But they’re in a good place about it. And it’s great that they get to finish out their careers with Hammer working in-house.”

“I hope Wills and Hammer travel with the team some this season.” The idea of being away from her for longer stretches isn’t appealing. I’d ask her to move in with me now if I thought she was ready.

Ash snorts. “You’re such a goner for that woman.”

“Yeah. I know.”

He claps me on the shoulder. “I need to hit the bathroom.”

I nod as the bartender sets our drinks in front of us, and I hand over my card. “I’ll take these to the girls.”

“You want to wait and I’ll give you a hand?”

“Nah, I got it.”

Ash heads for the bathroom, and I carry the drinks to our table. Shilpa and Wills’s backs are to me, so they don’t see me coming.

“Are you in love with him?” Shilpa asks.

“I don’t know. Maybe?” She sighs and rubs her fingers over her lips. “I feel like I’m still trying to reconcile the past with the present. I know he’s not that guy who laughed when my dresswas covered in smoothie in grade nine. But this thing between us still doesn’t feel completely real. His feelings for me are so certain, but for how long? It all feels a little lopsided.”

“Does Dallas know you’re struggling with this?”

She shakes her head and traces a heart carved into the top of the picnic table. “I don’t want to upset him. So many things about being with Dallas are great. Truly. We have the most unreal chemistry, Shilps. The way we connect.” She sighs and drops her head. “But then Tristan and Rix got engaged. I’m so happy for them, but their happiness… It shines a light on how excited I should be about my own engagement.”

Her expression makes my chest feel like it’s caving in.

“I didn’t say yes because I was in love with him. I said it to protect the team and our careers. He did it to prevent me from being the laughingstock of our high school reunion. I never even thought I’d get married, let alone have everyone we know expecting me to plan a wedding. My moms have already created an inspo board. Dallas’s mom has a literal binder filled with wedding things. All the reasons are wrong, and it just taints everything.”

“Oh, Hemi, I’m so sorry. I wish it was different.” Shilpa puts an arm around her shoulders and gives her a side hug.

“Me too. I don’t know how to fix this. I’m not at a place where marriage is even a thought.”

Ash startles me, and the girls turn around. I force a smile and take the seat next to Wills, but I’m a million miles away. Everything I’ve been afraid of is true. I’m in love with her, so ready to spend the rest of my life with her, and she doesn’t know if she wants any part of forever with me.

“Is everything okay?” Wills asks as the band comes back on.

“Everything’s great.” I kiss her shoulder.

She gives me an uncertain look. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, honey.” The lie is covered by a guitar riff.

I don’t hear the rest of the set. And I’m lost in my own head on the way home.

“We just passed your place.” Wills thumbs over her shoulder.

I grip the steering wheel, my throat tight as I pull up to her building and put the car in park.

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