Page 4 of Shoot Your Shot

I had to make her hate me. And when she looked at me as she walked out, it was clear I had accomplished that. And itreallyfucking hurt.

Paige

Tears blur my vision, making it hard to see as I creep down the driveway—away from my favorite place and human.

I wanted Kolt to chase me. I suppose in some messed-up way, I assumed he would. We’d been together since we were seventeen years old. I thought there was no way he’d just … let me drive away.

Yet that’s exactly what I’m doing in this very moment, and he’s not in my rearview or pounding his palm against my bumper.

I’m almost to the gate, and I just keep thinking that he’ll stop me before I reach it. Though as I roll closer to it, the gate slowly opens, proving me wrong.

Things between us right now might seem like a mess. But is it really so bad to want a fairy tale? Does it make me pathetic to want to be chased? Maybe. But Cinderella ran away so fast that she lost a damn shoe. And then Prince Charming was out there, making the entire kingdom hunt for her.

Yet here I am, not even being chased on foot.

For months, he’s been pulling away from me. Slow at first. But then, with each day, more and more, I’ve been losing him. He didn’t hold me the same or talk to me like he used to. Hell, even the way he’d always looked at me changed. Kolt could be touching me, and yet … it felt like he was miles away.

I don’t know what happened, but when my mind spirals—the way it is right now—I go back to the same answer.

Babies.

Kolt wants babies, and we’ve tried for two years with no luck. That shouldn’t surprise me though. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize periods shouldn’t hurt as badly as mine do each month. Periods are supposed to be crappy, yeah, but they aren’t meant to keep someone in bed for two days in pure agony.

Maybe he blames me for not giving him the family he wants, and I guess he has a right to because it probably is my fault. But then I debate the other side of it. The side where the thought of getting pregnant has consumed me for so long. Having a baby of my own somehow took over every part of my mind, body, and soul, becoming all I could think about, and I’m sure Kolt could feel it. How would he not?

Even if either of those reasons is the truth for why he’s gradually been pushing me away, that doesn’t excuse his actions over the past few months. The partying, the drinking, and the staying out all hours of the night without checking in. Or the times when he finally does come home, only to act like I’m a nagging bitch for demanding answers.

That’s not Kolt. And that’s not us. At least, it never was.

When he stayed out partying tonight and came home, reeking of liquor, pretending like everything was fine … I told him I wanted a divorce. All night, I had thought about it and let it simmer. And even after giving him weeks of warning, I still wasn’t sure if I’d have the strength to actually say it when push came to shove. I had sat in the living room for hours, thinkingabout it, but like past times, I’d figured I’d chicken out once I came face-to-face with the man who could bring me to my knees. Literally. Only that wasn’t what happened at all. Instead … seeing him only pissed me off more. I was looking at him, and yet it didn’t feel like I was staring at my husband.

He no longer felt like Kolt, the man I knew better than I knew myself. My best friend. My soulmate. My purpose and the person who had always been my better half. Instead, I got a man who was talking shit about my father—who has shown Kolt nothing but support since he was seventeen years old. The foul words coming from his mouth were things I’d never thought my husband would say about my family.

He was like a stranger. One I didn’t even want to take the time to know.

As I pull out of our driveway, a stabbing sensation shoots through my heart when I don’t see him, and I wipe my eyes, realizing he really is letting me go without a fight.

Divorce was never a thought that crossed my mind when Kolt and I eloped right out of high school. He was my forever, and that was all there was to it. And now, the thought of letting go of everything that has made up my life rips my soul apart.

Being married to a professional hockey player has its challenges. But the New England Bay Sharks are just as much my family as they are Kolt’s—only now, of course, I’m losing them. He’s a true Shark. I’m just … the wife.

Poppy James, the wife of one of his teammates, has easily become one of my best friends in the time our husbands have played together, as have so many of his teammates’ girlfriends and sisters.

All of them I’m choosing to leave behind. Because as much as I love my husband … I don’t deserve this.

I used to put my nose up at the bitter woman who shook her head at the young lovers because she herself had once gottenmarried, only to find out the man was not who he’d promised himself to be.

But now … I am one of those women.

And Kolt Kolburne is too lost for me to find right now. The guilt I feel about that is all-consuming. I never thought I’d be the girl to actually put my own oxygen mask on before helping the person next to me. I know that’s what they always tell you to do, but I just thought, deep down, I’d be noble. I believed I’d always put my husband first. Or our marriage above all. But maybe in a way, I am. Because it seems as though that’s what he wants is for me to just let go. Whatever great love we had … well, I think it’s gone.

So, I’m setting him free. After all, it seems as though that’s what he wants.

“Another round!” I cheer obnoxiously and completely out of character, smashing my empty shot glass against the bar. “For me and all my friends.”

Practice tomorrow is going to come early, and it’s going to suck. But ever since my wife left and now that my house is empty, all I want to do when I’m not on the ice is get fucked up, to the point of oblivion.

I’m the guy who fucking hates crowds. Yet here I am, hammered off my ass in a crowded bar. Again.

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