Page 61 of From Maybe to Baby

Jesus Christ, why do I tell them anything?

"I was helping her. With her article."

"The one about us?" Lukas drags his bucket out of the bag and the remnants of yesterday’s sand sprinkles all over the floor.

"C’mon kids,” I say, popping out of bed. “Back to sleep. At least for a couple more hours."

For some reason, an image of Genny's photo on my nightstand at home flashes through my mind. The guilt hits like a body check.

Fuck me. What have I done?

"Daddy?" Jace pats my cheek. "Are you having sad eyes?"

"No, baby. Just thinking."

"About Mommy?" Lukas abandons his beach toys and leans on the bed next to his sister. "She's watching us from heaven. That's what Gamma says."

"Gamma says she sends us special dreams," Jace adds seriously. "Maybe she sent us Miss Minty."

Good God. Who are these little people?

"Miss Minty makes you smile," Lukas points out. "Gamma says that's good."

"She told you that?"

"She says you need more smiles." He nods. "Miss Minty has a pretty smile.”

I look at my kids, so eagerly planning a future with someone they've known for a week. So easily accepting affection. So willingly making space in their world for someone.

Genny would love that about them.

The guilt shifts, making room for something else. Something I don’t recognize. Maybe non-guilt? But the minute I think about it too long, it comes screaming back.

"Daddy?" Jace tugs my hand. "Can we go get Miss Minty for breakfast? We’re having pancakes.”

"Pretty sure Miss Minty is sleeping, Jace. It's very early."

"But she PROMISED." Lukas protests. "She said breakfast at seven."

"Seven-thirty," I correct. "And it's not even six."

"But I’m hungry, Daddy. Now,” Jace says.

“Okay. Up you go,” I say, lifting both kids into my bed. “One on either side of me.”

They happily burrow under the covers with me, pancakes and the beach momentarily forgotten. I pull them to me, an arm wrapped around each.

“It’s too early for breakfast, too early for the beach. Everyone is still sleeping. That means we need to sleep too. Do you think you can sleep just a little longer? Until the pancake and the beach people get up?”

I pull them closer while Lukas nods.

Jace is already breathing steadily, her face so innocent, free of grown-up worries.

“Okay, Dad,” Lukas says. “We’ll all sleep while we’re waiting for pancakes and the beach. You too. You gotta sleep too.”

I turn to kiss his forehead. “I will, little man. I will.”

My motherin law’s video call comes just as I'm getting everyone into their bathing suits.

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