Not gonna happen.
That night, I find the kids in Lukas's room, surrounded by his art supplies.
"We're writing a book, Daddy," Jace announces, up to her elbows in glitter.
"About all the stuff we want to do when Lexa comes back," Lukas adds, then freezes, looking at me as if he might be in trouble.
"It's okay to want her back," I tell them. Guess I learned something in therapy today, in spite of myself. "It's okay to hope."
They look at me like I've grown a second head. We don't usually talk about wanting things. About hoping for things. About letting ourselves be vulnerable to disappointment. Not that that’s a conversation you have with three- and four-year-olds.
"Can we put hockey pictures in the book?" Lukas asks carefully. "From when I start playing again?"
"Yeah, buddy. Whatever you want."
The psychologist would have a field day with how we're processing things through arts and crafts. But watching my kids plan futures that include possibilities instead of just protection— maybe that's what breaking patterns looks like.
I start making changes. Small ones at first:
Actually answering when the team asks how I'm doing
Letting the kids talk about Alexa without changing the subject
Planning Christmas without trying to recreate past perfection
"We could get our presents before Christmas," Lukas suggests when we talk about holiday ideas. “Maybe Santa can come early?”
A month ago, I would have steered him toward the way it’s always been done. Kept things safely the same.
"We gotta wait for Santa to come, little man," I say. “But maybe he’ll drop something off early.”
His face lights up like he won a million dollars.
The psychologist might say I'm making progress. The team might say my game is evolving. The kids might say I'm less boring.
I'll take it.
Lukas and Jace dive into holiday planning as only two little kids could, with their usual pandemonium, but something’s different this time. They have more energy this year, unlike the last couple. Without Genny around, we were all kind of lost.
A few days later at dinner, Lukas makes a request. "Dad, we finished the book we made for Alexa. Can we send it to her soon? Before Christmas?"
"You think we should?"
"Yeah." He pushes his food around, thinking. "I don’t know if Santa goes all the way to Paris.
Very logical. And sweet.