Page 35 of (Not So) Mad About You

“I do have a question, as it goes,” Lex went on. “You were ‘sent here,’ your words, by your boss. Was there anyone else in yourlife that thought you might have a problem?”

The little room was warm and Alli crossed her legs again. “No,” she said shortly.

“Friends? Family? No one close to you expressed any concern about your anger?”

“No,” Alli said shortly again.

“I see.” Lex looked at her again. “Is that because they don’t think you have an issue? Or is it because you don’t let anyone get close enough to experience your anger?”

Alli didn’t answer this. She didn’t need cut-rate therapy. She needed out of here. She was just counting the minutes until she’d get her phone back, going through the motions so that if Darren called she’d get a good report.

“Okay,” Lex said after a few seconds of silence. “A different question then. Anger as a tool. Where do you think you learned this?”

That seemed a less revealing question. “I think I’ve always known,” Alli said. “I mean, all children throw tantrums, don’t they?”

“And your parents were… easy to manipulate in this way?”

Alli snorted. “My parents weren’t around. But if you mean my teachers, then yes, some of them.”

“Teachers? You went to boarding school?”

“From seven until eighteen, the whole time.” Alli glared at her. “If you’re about to blame everything on that, you’d be wrong.”

“Boarding school has many advantages,” Lex said calmly. “An excellent education, teaching independence and yet strengthening bonds through co-living.”

“Right,” Alli said, slightly mollified.

Lex scribbled something down in her notebook, then looked up. “How do you think people feel when you get angry with them?”

Alli opened her mouth to answer, then realized she’d never actually thought about it before.

“Angry in return?” Lex offered.

She saw Bea’s face crumple, saw the tears start to glint in hereyes. “Scared,” she said without thinking.

“Perhaps,” agreed Lex. “Is that how you’d like people to feel when they see you?”

“Perhaps,” mimicked Alli. She sighed. “Dunno. Maybe. Sometimes. It depends on the person.”

Lex nodded. “You’re a woman, you work in a male-dominated field, I can see how anger can be a useful defense mechanism.”

“You can?” Alli looked at her with more interest.

“Of course,” Lex said. “When it’s used in a controlled way. When it’s out of control, that’s another issue, isn’t it? Presenting an uncontrolled picture to the world can’t be something that a person as self-contained and independent as you can want.”

“Huh.” Alli leaned forward a little. “I can’t say that I’ve ever thought about that.”

“Think on it,” Lex said. “Give it some thought before our next session. Think about how anger might be reined in and used as a tool, rather than letting it overcome us and use us instead.” She narrowed her eyes a little. “Is there anything else you’d like to talk about?”

“No,” Alli said quickly.

“Are you sure? Nothing that’s changed since you’ve been here? No comments from the others? Nothing in your program experience that you think might be important?”

The only thing that had changed since she got here was her lack of work.

Oh, and… and the dream.

But that was surely nothing. A mental glitch. A moment of stupidity. Or something. She could feel it in her bones, could feel the heat of it, could almost feel her hands running over her own skin, could almost imagine that they weren’t her hands at all, that…

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