Page 87 of (Not So) Mad About You

Until she smelled the scent of Bea and finally, inevitably, lost control.

She didn’t know how long she spent sobbing on Bea’s shirt, clinging to her like a life raft, shuddering and trying to catch a breath.

“I’m here now,” Bea breathed into her hair. “It’s alright, I’m here.”

Alli pressed her closer, like she was trying to meld herself to Bea, like she never wanted her to leave again.

“I’m here,” Bea said again. “It’s okay. I’m here.”

???

Bea held her until she could finally breathe, until Alli raised her head and Bea had to laugh. “Don’t you look a sight?” she said. She fumbled in her pocket and found a tissue, handing it over so that Alli could wipe her face. “Here, come on.”

She took Alli’s hand and led her over to a bench, sitting them both down. In truth, she was afraid. Seeing Alli like this had frightened her. Not because of her feelings. Those were, for once, glitteringly clear. But because she hadn’t quite realized how fragile Alli was.

“Deep breaths,” she said, taking Alli’s hand.

“That’s what my anger coach always says,” said Alli. “You’d think that deep breaths were the solution to all the world’s problems. Nuclear threat? Deep breaths. Religious war? Deep breaths.”

“Break your girlfriend? Deep breaths,” Bea said.

Alli looked at her. “Don’t,” she said, pain raw in her voice.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t use that word if you don’t mean it,” said Alli. “I can’t take it, I just can’t. I know that I’m angry and bossy and loud and confident and all the rest, but honest to god, Bea, I’m so close to being broken right now that I’m afraid I won’t ever be fixed again.”

“You will,” Bea said. “You’re in the right place, with the right people. You’re getting therapy. It’s all a part of the process. You need to break everything down so that you can build it all back up again. Better and stronger this time.”

Alli sniffed. “I wish I could be done with the breaking bit andstart on the fixing bit.” She cleared her throat. “I’m sorry, Bea. Truly sorry. Sorry that I lost my temper with you, sorry that I blamed you for something that was my fault. I can’t undo those things. But I can try and make sure that they don’t happen again. I’m trying.”

“I can see that,” Bea said. She looked at the cracked pavement by their feet. “I’m sorry that you lost your job, I know it meant a lot to you.”

“Don’t be,” said Alli. “It was too much. It was feeding into my anger. I needed to lose it, needed to start a new path. I can see that. But none of this was your fault, I know that.”

Traffic hummed along the street and the sun shone down warm on their skin.

“Bea,” Alli said, at the exact same time that Bea said, “Alli.”

“You first,” said Alli. “I’ve spilled enough tears for a minute. I need to restock the reservoir before I start pouring my heart out.”

Bea took a deep breath. She hadn’t planned any of this, had no idea what she wanted to say. All she could do was open her mouth and hope that the words that came out were the right ones.

“You’ve changed me,” she said. “Something about you makes me want to be stronger, better. Meeting you has changed my life in so many ways that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you for all of them.”

“You don’t need to,” Alli said.

Bea smiled. “But the way you’ve changed me most is that I’ve seen what could be. I’ve seen what it’s like to be loved and to love in return, equally, without giving too much or taking too much. We spent such a short time together, but I feel like I’ve seen what life could be like if I wanted it to be like that.”

“And do you?” Alli asked, eyes cloudy with tears again.

“Hey, I thought you were all cried out?” Bea teased her.

Alli sniffed. “Alright, I’ll do my best.” Another sniff. “Here’s the thing, Bea. I could say exactly what you’ve just said and it would be equally true. There’s something about you that makes me abetter, calmer person. When you’re around, I want to be better. But more than that, I thought for so long that I was broken, that there was something wrong with me, and to have you show me that I’m not, that there’s not, I won’t ever be able to thank you enough for that.”

“So we’re both equally grateful. That’s a good start,” Bea said.

“I’m supposed to be the snarky one,” said Alli.

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