Page 79 of (Not So) Mad About You

“You know I’m gay now, right?” she asked, tilting her head a little.

“Christ.” Darren sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger for a second. “Okay, I have to keep reminding myself that you’re new at this friends thing. Right, I don’t want to sleep with you. That’s not why I’m here. I’m here because I’m your friend and I care about you.”

“Why?” Alli asked.

“God knows.” He sighed again and then smiled. “Okay, because you’re smart and I like being around you. Because you’ve got a lot to offer the world. Alright? Now stop fishing for compliments.”

“I wasn’t.”

“Yes, you were. We’re here for a reason.”

She nodded. “I’ve got this. I’m going. Any second now, I’m going to get out of the car.”

“Take your time, you’re early.” He looked toward the building now too. “You sure about this place?”

“It’s got good reviews and it costs a bomb,” Alli said. “And it’s not residential. Evening classes only. I think I’ll stay out of trouble if I sleep in my own bed.”

“Fair point,” said Darren. “And when you’re ready, I can make a few calls. I’ve got contacts, we’ll get you a few interviews and I’ll write you a brilliant letter of recommendation. You’ll get a new job in no time.”

Alli nodded, stomach twisting a little. “I need to concentrate on this right now.”

“Understood.” He patted her hand. “Go on then, off you go. I’ll come and pick you up in a couple of hours. At eight, right?”

“I can take a taxi.”

“No, I’ll pick you up. Friends, remember?”

Alli grunted. “I suppose that means I’ll have to take you to the hospital when you fall drunk down the stairs or whatever.”

“No, it means that you’ll be there when I need you,” said Darren. “That’s how all this works. Now, are you going to get out, or do I have to use the ejector seat?”

Alli managed a laugh at this. “No, I’m going. And… thanks.”

It was a pleasant evening. The sun was warm and she could hear the traffic from the main road behind her. But there were flowers here and she could smell them as she walked up the path to the building.

Her hand was in her pocket and she could feel her phone. Every fiber of her wanted to call Bea, wanted to tell her that she knew, that she had made mistakes, that she was trying to fixthings. But she couldn’t.

She didn’t deserve Bea. Not the way she was. Not until she had tangible proof that she’d changed, that she was worthy.

She’d had a long time to think. A long time to wonder why she’d never loved anyone before. A long time to wonder why she’d fallen for Bea, what it was about her. And she’d come to the conclusion that Bea was the only person who’d never wanted anything from her.

She’d also come to the conclusion that losing her temper with Bea was the worst thing that she’d ever done.

It took a second before she could open the door, a big deep breath before she could push and walk in. There was deep carpet on the floor, a reception desk, discreet lighting. It looked like a hotel. But Alli knew why she was there.

She walked up to the desk, put both hands on it, took a breath and then said what needed to be said. “My name’s Alli Williams, and I have an anger problem.”

The receptionist smiled. “Then you’re in the right place, Ms. Williams. Let me get you checked into our system and then your journey can get started.”

Alli bristled at the word ‘journey’. But she kept her mouth closed. She was going to do this right, with an open mind and an open heart.

Chapter Thirty Two

On Saturday morning, Alli woke up and made herself some green tea. She then did a series of yoga stretches and attempted to meditate. She was not especially successful, but the meditation guide in her anger management program had told her that these things take time, so she didn’t force the issue.

One day, she might be able to clear her mind. But today was not that day. Even the greatest relaxers in the world couldn’t have cleared their minds after just two sessions, she told herself. She took a few deep, cleansing breaths though, and decided that she’d go out for a walk and get some exercise in.

Exercise was important. Not just to be healthy, but also to work off any aggression that she might be harboring. Being angry was normal. Showing anger wasn’t. It was alright for her to feel things, but she needed to control her impulses better. That was the theory.

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