Page 59 of (Not So) Mad About You

Bea’s hand crept a little closer but didn’t touch hers. Alli’s heart felt heavy. She wasn’t used to these feelings, didn’t particularly like them. She’d broken things already. What a surprise.

“You look… sad,” Bea offered.

“Because I am,” Alli said. “I, uh, I can only apologize.” She hesitated. “Is there anything else I can do?”

Bea sighed. “Why do you get so angry?”

“Dunno.”

“You’re going to have to try harder than that,” Bea said.

Alli took a breath, closed her eyes, swallowed, thought. “It makes my voice heard,” she said finally.

“Do you need to try so hard to make your voice heard?” Bea asked gently.

Alli’s eyes flashed open. She snorted. “Do you have any idea?” she said, the anger starting to build up again.

“Hey,” said Bea, letting their hands touch now. “I’m here. I’m listening. You don’t need to get angry, I’m already hearing you.”

The warmth of Bea’s hand tingled through her. Instinctively, Alli knew that as unpleasant as this was, it was her only chance at getting Bea back. Because she had lost her that morning, she realized. Losing her temper like that had scared Bea off and without some kind of sacrifice, Bea wasn’t coming back to her.

“I went to boarding school when I was seven,” she said, not looking at Bea. “I hated it. I was the smallest one there. I didn’t want to go, but my parents didn’t listen. My dad was in the army, he was being posted abroad, my mum wanted to go with him.”

“So they didn’t have much choice,” Bea said.

Alli shrugged. “I was left alone and I was so lonely, so scared. And one of the other kids kept making fun of me, poking me, testing me.” She took a shuddery breath. She hadn’t thought about the incident for years. “Then one day I lost my temper, yelled at her, and everyone backed off and left me alone and I wasn’t the weak one anymore. I was strong, I was scary.”

“You learned that anger protected you,” said Bea, letting her fingers twine with Alli’s.

“It does though, doesn’t it?” Alli said, turning to look at her. “I mean, it just does. All my life it’s been like that. I work surrounded by men, I need to make sure my voice is heard and it is. If I have to look like a bitch to make that happen, well, that’s the way it is.”

“Except you’re not just using your anger on people who deserve it,” said Bea. “You’re using it on everyone. It’s out of control. Anger is a tool, certainly, but you don’t use the same tool for replacing a window as you do for replacing a door.”

“Right,” Alli said, letting herself be drawn in by Bea’s dark eyes. “Right. You’re right. I see that. I need to do a better job of directing my anger. Message received.”

“You need to do a better job of controlling your anger,” said Bea. “That’s what all this is about. Meditation, yoga, therapy, they’re all supposed to help you temper that anger and make it a tool that you use, rather than something that uses you.”

Alli nodded. “Yeah, yeah. I can see how that might work.” She cleared her throat. “Anyway, I just wanted to find you to… to apologize.” She realized as she said the words that they were the truth.

Bea had felt bad, she’d made her feel better. She felt warm with that knowledge. Like she’d done something good.

“You’re in my bedroom to apologize,” Bea said with only slight emphasis on the word bedroom.

Her hand tightened on Alli’s.

Alli eyed the closed door, her breath coming faster. “Yes?” she tried, but it definitely came out as a question.

Chapter Twenty Four

It had been the honesty that had changed her mind.

Okay, she shouldn’t have avoided the issue, but she hadn’t wanted to see Alli, hadn’t wanted to be persuaded by lust alone to forgive her. And when Alli had sought her out, she’d been sure that she’d get only the barest of apologies.

Yet Alli had really tried, had searched inside herself for answers. Bea had had a glimpse of who she’d been, who she could be, and that had overridden how disturbed she’d felt at Alli’s anger. There was room for improvement, sure, but Alli had taken a step, she’d seen it.

For a second there, everything had been good, perfect even. Then she realized that Alli was sitting on her bed. That Alli was holding her hand. And her libido had perked up, had started to ask questions, until Bea hadn’t been able to stop herself.

Now Alli was looking at her, her green eyes starting to narrow speculatively.

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