Page 34 of (Not So) Mad About You

“Or a rapist,” put in Julia. “You could definitely be angry with someone like that.”

“And it would be deserved,” Alli agreed.

“Maybe anger isn’t the problem, it’s just an emotion like other emotions,” Izzy said carefully.

“It’s probably more how it’s directed that’s the issue,” agreed Charles.

“How does anger feel?” Bea asked, wanting to move things on.

The others looked at her.

“Hot?” hazarded Charles.

“Um… out of control?” Julia said.

“Like an animal inside you,” Alli said. “A wild animal, one that you can’t control, one that takes over everything like it’s controlling your body and all you can do is watch. It’s like… like having a demon.”

Everyone was silent.

It occurred to Bea that Alli seemed to be the only one with a grasp on what anger really felt like. Or the only one honest enough to describe it. She smiled. “Thanks, Alli, that was excellent.” She checked her watch. “And it’s about time for you all to move on to meditation. Thank you all.”

The programmers started to stand up and chat, filtering out of the door. Bea moved to stop Alli in her tracks.

“That was really good,” she said. “Really good. I’m impressed that you can put words on things so easily, impressed that youcan be so logical about things.”

For an instant Alli looked like she might smile. Then the dark descended over her face again. “Whatever. It’s not like you asked difficult questions or anything.”

Bea breathed out and tried again. “Listen, about this morning.”

“Whatever,” Alli said again. “It’s not important. We’ve both got a job to do. The difference is that I’m not doing mine currently. Something that needs to change. Just get me my damn phone back.” She stepped around Bea and strode out of the room.

So much for progress, Bea thought as she watched her go.

It would be nice, she thought, if just for once she could have a conversation with Alli without losing her temper, crying, or being threatened in some way.

Chapter Fifteen

Alli sighed and re-crossed her legs. Lex just watched her, eyes curious, but not speaking.

“Well, it’s just plain weird to sit here and say nothing,” Alli finally said.

Lex smiled. “It’s your session, Alli.”

“Jesus Christ, then ask me something. I can’t sit here for an hour with you staring at me like I’m some kind of circus attraction.”

Not exactly the plan. But it did feel weird. And Alli felt on-edge for some reason that she couldn’t define.

“Alright,” Lex said. “It’s not a question, more of an observation. Many people that come through this program deny that they get angry at all, or say that they don’t get angry enough for it to be a problem. You’re not like that.”

Alli shrugged. “I get angry, I know that. I’m not going to deny it.”

“And you see anger as… a tool?”

She shrugged again. “Sure. Just like any other emotion. You’ve never pretended to like something or be happy about something to please someone else?”

“Have you?” Lex asked.

Alli bit her lip and looked away.

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