Page 73 of Loving Jemima

“That’s a shame,” said Rolly, standing up. “Because I always thought you were the fiercest and bravest of us all.”

“I’m not,” Jem said simply. “I’m just not.”

“What happens now?” He was buttoning his jacket.

“I’m going to the country. I’ll stay with mother for a while, clear my head. And then I’ll come back and… And life will resume as normal.”

“I hope not,” Rolly said quietly. He bent and kissed Jem’s cheek. “I hope for your own sake that your life changes. That you see sense.”

Jem watched as he walked away and felt more alone than ever. Rolly had been the one person she thought she could count on, and even he was leaving now.

IT WAS DUSK by the time the car drew up in front of the house. Jem paid the driver and lifted her own bag out of the boot. She took a deep breath of clean air. Her mother wasn’t exactly the person she wanted to see. But then again, she didn’t want to see anyone. And at least her mother was likely to ignore her in favor of the horses.

Besides, she didn’t have anywhere else to go.

Just last night she’d been with Ellie and it had seemed like even though life wasn’t perfect, perhaps it could work out. Except it obviously couldn’t, it had been wishful thinking. Though she was sure she’d done the right thing, the thought of going on without Ellie was… sad.

It was such a small word but there was nothing more fitting. She was sad. The world was sad. Everything was just filled with sad.

“Are you going to come in or are you planning on sleeping on the lawn?”

She hadn’t heard her mother’s footsteps. “I’m coming in,” she said hurriedly.

“Good. Put your things in your room and there’ll be kitchen sups when you’ve finished.” Her mother stalked off around the house and Jem sighed.

So her mother was planning on speaking to her as well. Fantastic. Just what she needed. Still, she might as well get it over with. So she went in, deposited her bag, and went back down to the kitchen.

“Cold sups tonight, I’m afraid. I wasn’t expecting you.” Her mother slid a plate in front of her on the long kitchen table. Jem picked up a fork. She wasn’t particularly hungry.

“I suppose you’ve heard.”

“Mmm,” said her mother picking up her own fork.

“Pa’s already said his piece, so I don’t need another lecture.”

Her mother arched an eyebrow. “What on earth makes you think I’m going to lecture you?”

“Well… I mean…” Jem put her fork down, confused about what she was supposed to say. “I just thought…”

“There’s nothing wrong with it, is there?” sniffed her mother, spearing a piece of ham. “Unless you’re ashamed of it, I suppose. Are you?”

“Ashamed of what?” Jem asked. This conversation was not going at all as expected. In fact, it was veering off into very uncharted territory.

“Being homosexual. Or gay? Or does one call it queer nowadays? I’m afraid I don’t know the proper terminology. I’m sure you can educate me. Which do you prefer?”

“Um, I haven’t really thought about it,” Jem said weakly.

“Well, just as long as you’re not ashamed.” Her mother studied her for a moment, then put down the ham she’d been holding. “I’ve never molly-coddled you. To be fair, I haven’t been the most hands-on mother. Never had the talent for it.” She sniffed again. “Perhaps haven’t been the best role model.”

Jem absolutely did not know what to say to this. She kept her mouth firmly closed.

“I know about your father’s affairs, if that’s what you’re wondering. Never bothered me,” her mother went on. “Wasn’t really in this for the companionship. More for the house and the horses, to be honest. The lifestyle, I suppose you’d say. Still, your father and I have our arrangements and it works very well for the both of us.”

“I see,” said Jem faintly.

“I just say that in case you thought that I was in any way… weak, I suppose,” her mother said thoughtfully. “Or less than able to get what I wanted out of life. Because that’s what’s important, isn’t it? Finding what you want and then aspiring to get it.”

“I suppose,” Jem said.

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