Page 16 of The Last Trip

“You’re what?Not?I’m not even that much older than you. Ten years. So what? We’re practically the same age. You’re ready.”

“Twelve years,” she corrects, and she knows I hate when she does that. “And regardless. Ijustgraduated. I want to relax a little bit.”

“And being married to me wouldn’t be relaxing?”

“Planning a wedding wouldn’t be.”

“So we’ll just go to the courthouse. Who says we have to have a big wedding?”

She casts her arms to her sides, turning away from me. “Iwanta big wedding. I just don’t want one in six months.”

I scoff, stepping back. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “So you don’t even want to marry me in six months.” How long could she possibly be planning to wait? If she doesn’t have kids by the time she’s thirty, her egg quality will start to decline. We’re running out of time for a family and the life I’ve always dreamed of. Why can’t she see that?

“I don’t want to break up. I just…I need a year or two. I always imagined I’d be in my thirties when I got married.”

“That will be too late,” I cry, my hands balling into fists at my sides.

“Too late for what?” she demands, staring at me as if she doesn’t recognize me. When I don’t answer, she adds, “I just…I need more time. I’m sorry. I want, no, Ineedsome time to get out and see the world.”

“Alone.”

She opens her mouth, struggling to find an answer. Because she doesn’t have one. She doesn’t have any sort of plan at all. She’s happy to live life as if it’s all a game and she’s thrown out the rule book. “You…you have your job.”

Bitter tears sting my eyes. “Right.”

“I don’t mean to hurt you. Honestly. You know that. I love you.” Now she’s crying, too, her voice unsteady. “Please don’t do this.”

“Don’t put this on me. I’m not doing anything.” I throw my hands up. “This is all you.” With that, and with my heart still firmly in her hands, I step away, turning my back on her like she just did on me. “I’m done.”

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

HER — PRESENT DAY

“You know, Sadie and I would love for you to come around after the baby is born. We obviously have a lot to catch up on, and I’m just…” Cal rubs his cheek, like he does when he’s overwhelmed. “I’m so glad you found me.”

Janelle looks down, pretending to be shy. “I’m so glad I did, too. When Mom finally told me who you were, she said she wasn’t sure if I should reach out to you. She said you might not be receptive to meeting me, but I just…” Her eyes flick to me. “I had to try, you know?”

“Of course.” He pats the table, where we’ve been sitting for the last hour, despite the empty bowls in front of us. “I just can’t for the life of me fathom why she wouldn’t have told me about you. We grew apart, but I wish I could’ve helped her. I wish I would’ve known. The idea of her doing this, raising you all on her own…” He shakes his head as if clearing away the thought.

“Mom was stubborn,” Janelle says with a soft, sad laugh. “She liked to do things her way. I don’t know the details about how you broke up or what happened back then, but I do know she never had a harsh word to say about you. She said you were kind to her. That if you hadn’t left home, things might’ve been different.” She goes quiet, running a finger along the grain of thetable, then lets out a loud sigh. “Anyway, enough about the past. Clearly, it all worked out for you.” She gestures toward me, and I can’t help feeling like the stray puppy he just picked up on the side of the road. The afterthought, the second choice.

Cal nods thoughtfully, not looking at me, and I’m positive his mind is with this other woman. It’s awful to admit, even to myself, but if she were still alive, jealousy and insecurity would be eating me alive right now.

“I think I’m going to step outside for some fresh air,” I tell them, standing up abruptly. On the one hand, I don’t want to leave them alone together for fear of what she might tell him, but on the other, if I don’t get away from them right now, I’m afraid I might scream. I’m suffocating here under the weight of her reappearance and the secrets that could be uncovered with it.

“What? No. It’s freezing out,” Cal says, as if I’ve lost my mind. Perhaps I have. “You don’t need to go outside.”

“I—”

“Honey, there’s ice out there. If you want to go, I’ll have to go with you.” Even as he says it, though, he doesn’t move. Truthfully, the last thing I want to do right now is start an argument or push back in front of Janelle. I want Cal to choose me, and as much as it stings right now, disagreeing with him isn’t the way to get that to happen.

Slowly, I sit back down, feeling defeated.

“Well,” Janelle says, clearly trying to ease the tension, “I’m dying to hear how you two met. I’m an absolute sucker for love stories.”

“Oh. Right.” I put my head down, feeling embarrassment for the first time about our story and how it all started. I lean back in my chair, forcing a smile that hopefully doesn’t scream to Cal that something is terribly wrong here. “Right. Um, well?—”

“We don’t really need to tell that story,” Cal says, cutting me off. For once, I’m grateful for it. I don’t want to tell her abouthow I was sleeping with a professor. Never before have I felt ashamed of our origin story, but now, I’m more aware than ever of how wrong it was.

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