Page 27 of The Last Trip

HER — PRESENT DAY

The next morning, Cal is flossing his teeth in front of the bathroom mirror when I make my way in. He grins at me with the floss in his mouth, distorting his cheek. “Morning.”

“How’d you sleep?” I ask with a yawn. Cal is a morning person, always has been. As inwake up in the morning singing before you’re out of bed and skipping across the hall within ten minutes of waking upkind of morning person.

I’m the type of night owl who would rather not be spoken to for an hour after opening my eyes. I could lie in bed for hours after waking up, just zoning out on social media or watching TV. It drives him crazy to be in bed for more than ten minutes after he’s awake. At ten minutes, I typically still have one eye closed.

“Like a baby,” he tells me, always his response. I stopped sleeping like a baby the moment a baby started growing inside me.

I smile, turning on the shower before starting to strip out of my pajamas.

“Oh, don’t forget. I’m heading out of town in a few hours for the conference tomorrow,” he says. The words are so out of the blue, I’m sure I misheard him.

“Sorry?”

“Remember the conference tomorrow? I told you about it, the one right after we were supposed to get back from our trip. It’s not far away, just in Lexington, so I can be back in a flash if you need me, and I only need to be there for the first day of it. I’ll be back on Thursday.”

“I don’t remember anything about this.” I try to rack my brain, searching for the conversation where we supposedly discussed this inconvenient trip. Am I just feeling out of sorts and suspicious because of everything else that seems to be going wrong? Or do I have a legitimate reason to worry?

He purses his lips, staring at me like a puppy who’s just attempted a trick learned in obedience school. “Baby brain.” He smiles. “It’s okay, honey. I don’t expect you to remember something so small.” Turning back to floss his teeth, he adds, “I just wanted to remind you. So, if you need me to pick anything up for you before I head out, let me know soon.”

I close my eyes, stepping into the shower without a word. I hate the way he’s talking to me lately, but even more than that, I hate that he might be right. For all I know, Ididforget about the conference. It’s not like it’s unheard of for him to go to them. I should know—I accompanied him to several when we were still sneaking around, when I was playing the role of his doting wife among strangers. It was hot and exhilarating, and I miss those days.

The baby kicks, and I look down, feeling guilty for even having the thought. I shouldn’t miss those days, when those days didn’t involve her. She is going to bring the best days with her. I already know it. My emotions are so all over the place lately that I’m not surprised when tears hit my eyes, mixing with the water on my face.

Cal finishes up on his teeth, tossing the floss into the trash and walking out of the room, humming a song I don’t recognize.Once I’m alone, I finally allow the silent sobs to claw their way out of me.

I’m not even sure why I’m crying. Because I’m scared to be alone in this house; because if I tell Cal that, he will most certainly act like I’m insane; because I don’t understand why Cal is lying to me or what Janelle wants; or probably, most likely, a combination of it all.

Later, as he’s loading his bag into the car, he gives me a kiss in the parking lot of our apartment complex, then he kisses my belly and says, “I’ll be home before you know it. You promise you’ll stay off your feet and rest, right? I made all your meals, and they’re labeled, so all you have to do is heat them up. I don’t want you climbing or leaving the house or doing anything except relaxing the whole time I’m gone, okay?”

“I still have work to do,” I say a bit defensively.

“And that work can be done from the couch while you rest, relax, and finish cooking our little one.” He kisses my temple. “I told you, you need to go ahead and take the rest of the pregnancy off anyway. Maybe now’s the time. We’re almost at the end, and you’re going to wish you’d taken the time for yourself when it’s all said and done.”

I press my lips together. He’s right, most likely, but I happen to like my job. And we’re a small company, which means when I’m not working, one of the four others are taking up my slack. I’ve already asked them to take over my work from our long weekend away. I just can’t see how it’s fair to ask them to take more of my workload until it’s unavoidable. Still, I can’t tell Cal this. He wouldn’t understand. His job isn’t the same, and his coworkers aren’t people he ever thinks about like I do.

“You’ll call me when you get there, right?” I ask, changing the subject.

“You know I will.” He kisses me again, staring at me as if it’s for the last time. “I miss you already, beautiful.”

“I miss you too.” I bury my head in his chest, my eyes blurring with tears at the idea of him leaving me alone. Once, not so long ago, I was an independent woman who had no issues with being alone.

Then came Cal.

And this man has rearranged everything about my life, my mind, and my heart. The woman I was when we met a year ago is unrecognizable to me now.

He slips into the car, waving at me once as he backs out, before honking twice and then zipping away. I don’t know why I’m crying as I make my way back into the apartment, except that I’m hit with how utterly alone I am without him. With Mom sick, I have no one left to talk to about anything.

I’d do anything to be able to call her right now, to have spent this pregnancy asking her advice, celebrating the milestones, and lamenting the struggles. I’d do anything to see her hold her grandchild for the first time or watch me walk down the aisle.

When I pictured my life, my future, it wasn’t supposed to look like this. She was supposed to be here. I check my phone, half tempted again to unblock Janelle, though this time it’s just to have someone to talk to. She was the closest thing I had to a friend in the longest time, and I screwed it all up.

But I can’t. Cal is my world now. It’s the two of usagainstthe world.

Three of us, I correct myself quickly, hand to my stomach.

Then that voice that seems ever present in my mind lately comes creeping in. The one that says Cal is acting differently. That he’s different from the man I knew, the man I agreed tomarry. That something is different and wrong and changed. And that I need to get to the bottom of it before this baby comes.

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