Page 81 of The Last Time

Penelope was never trying to be intentionally evasive about our relationship, but she never did try to make it a priority in our new family. That was my fault for not having enough courage to stand up for our relationship. I suppose there might also have been some worry on her part. Worry that if you and I were close, you would somehow convince me to go back to your mother.

I tried to calm her nerves about it, but it never worked. Eventually, I pulled away, not knowing how to blend my two worlds.

It was wrong. It was selfish. It was unfair to you, and it is my biggest regret.

I’m not trying to make any excuses for my actions over the years. When I left your mother, I was not in a good place.

I did all that I could to ignore facing my demons.

You were the innocent one who faced the consequences of my poor decisions in life.

I’m hoping that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

I know I don’t deserve it, but if you do, it will be a gift that you did not need to grant me.

But I would like to find a place in your heart again. One where you can think of our times together and smile. Because those times were the best times of my life, and I would give anything to go back to those days. To right my wrongs. To be a better, stronger man.

If there’s one thing I can leave you with, it’s to know that my love for you never wavered.

I love you fiercely. You will always be my greatest accomplishment in my lifetime.

Love you always and forever,

-Dad

I put the letter down as I choke through my sobs of heartache.

All these years, I thought he had moved on without a care in the world. All these years I spenthatinghim.

I’m still angry at him for staying away, for leaving me behind. I don’t know that you can ever completely lose the anger. Or maybe, over time, with these words, the anger will subside.

Knowing that he didn’t want it to be like this hurts, but it also makes it better. If we both wanted to be in each other’s lives, why the hell weren’t we?

It just seems too simple of an answer.

But it also eases the pain knowing he always wanted to be a part of my life.

I still don’t understand how Penelope can live with herself, knowingly entering a man’s life who has a child and purposely keeping them apart.

Planting the seed in him that he shouldn’t need to be a big part of my life.

What person can sleep at night knowing they are the cause of that?

Why? Why wasn’t he strong enough to stand his ground? We wouldn’t have lost all of these years together.

But still, if he really wanted to be in my life, he would have just made it happen.

My brain is swirling with this new information. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to feel.

So, I do the first thing that comes to mind. I pick up my phone.

“Hi, sweetie,” my mom’s voice greets me, instantly soothing a part of me.

“Hi,” I whisper.

“Are you crying? What’s wrong?” she says with concern.

Leave it to her to know with one word that I’m not okay.

---