Page 22 of Where We Fall

I smile at her. "You love apple pie. Did they give you vanilla ice cream with it?"

"Well, of course. They know better than to give me warm apple pie with no ice cream."

That's true. One thing that has come with her dementia is the ability to tell anybody off that she pleases. The staff tells me to laugh it off as often as possible. They say it's the easiest way to get through it.

"How are things going? Are you getting your exercise in?"

She waves her hand at me. "Exercise is for the birds. What do I need to exercise for? I'm not goin' anywhere."

"It's about keeping your body fit. You need to make sure your ticker keeps ticking."

"My ticker ticks without any nonsense exercise."

I sigh. Alright, it's not worth fighting over, that's what we pay the staff to do. When I'm here, I just want to enjoy our time together.

"So, I've got a big charity event to go to tomorrow. You should see the dress I've got, it's by far the fanciest one I've ever owned."

Her eyes meet mine and look me up and down. "I always told my daughter, don't dress for the rich or handsome, they'll just end up crushing your spirit."

I stop in my tracks, not sure what exactly is happening. Did she just say my daughter?

"Mom, it's me, Lexi," I say emphatically.

"Lexi?" her eyes focus closer on me. "No, my Lexi doesn't look like that. She would never wear pants that tight or a shirt cut that low. And look at your hair? No…no…not my Lexi."

She gets up and starts to pace back and forth.

"Who are you? Why would you pretend to be my Lexi? Who sent you?" she says in a scathing voice.

"Mom, it's me." I try to inch closer to her, but she backs up with deliberate speed.

"No! Stay away from me."

We have gotten to the point where she doesn't remember to turn the oven off, doesn't remember recent events, gets paranoid or confused, even has had slight personality changes…but she's never flat-out not recognized me. I mean, I know I have highlights in my hair, but I didn't put on makeup aside from some mascara. I can't lookthatdifferent.

I never thought about how changing my appearance could cause such confusion for her. It makes me feel so guilty.What the hell was I thinking?

"What's happening in here?" a nurse rushes in.

I look over at her with moisture pulling in my eyes.

"She…" I start but my voice cracks. "She doesn't recognize me."

Her face instantly softens with sympathy.

"Elaine. Who is this lovely woman here that has come to visit you?" she starts toward Mom, who seems more at ease with her in the room.

It's like a knife to my heart. This woman in front of me, who used to brush my hair at night before bed, who would stand in the kitchen for hours letting me bake with her, is looking at me like I'm the enemy.

"I don't know. But she's trying to tell me she's my Lexi. She isn't, and I don't like it. Tell me who sent her."

My body is now shaking as I stand here, paralyzed in fear.

The nurse turns to me. "Can I see you for a second outside?"

I nod my head. "Sure."

"Now, Elaine. I'm going to go talk to this sweet young lady for a minute. I'll be back in to check on you."

---